THIS is why soldiers in Uruguay are NOT allowed to vote during active duty!

(I've never mentioned it on here but I have been following with great interest - more really like horror actually - the goings-on over the last ten years in Zimbabwe. It's incredible to see how far and how fast condidions in that country have become just... horrifying. The drop in standard of living.

If it can happen there, it can happen anywhere.

HARARE, Zimbabwe (AP) -- A top Zimbabwe army general called on the nation's soldiers to vote for Robert Mugabe in a presidential runoff or quit the military, the official media reported Saturday.

Army Chief of Staff Maj. Gen. Martin Chedondo told troops at a target-shooting competition to leave the military if they did not support Mugabe, the state Herald newspaper reported.

"Soldiers are not apolitical. Only mercenaries are apolitical. We have signed up and agreed to fight and protect the ruling party's principles of defending the revolution. If you have other thoughts, then you should remove that uniform," he was quoted as saying.

He told soldiers at the Cleveland shooting range outside Harare on Friday that Mugabe was head of the nation's defense forces.

"We should therefore stand behind our commander in chief," he reportedly said.

OMFG

Wow, um, that previous post was a lulu. SO much information there.

I've considered editing it, but I'm not ashamed of having done it. Every human has impulses and fantasies - and living that one ... I was really ok with that.

Heathers and swordfights

Remember Heathers:

Open this in a second tab: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097493/


Also known as:
Lethal Attraction Germany (TV title) / USA (working title)
Atração Mortal Brazil
Escuela de jóvenes asesinos Spain
Fatal Game USA (working title)
Fatal Games France
Häxor, läxor och dödliga lektioner Sweden
Heathers Germany (video title)
Malkot Ha-Keata Israel (Hebrew title)
Série noire au campus Canada (French title)
Schegge di follia Italy
Westerberg High USA (working title)

I've changed their names to protect their identities. Ashley and Andy both of 'em Brits HAD A SWORDFIGHT IN MY MOUTH.



There were differences from the movie:
a) they did not kill each other
b) no it wasn't me either but it um, was.. my mouth
c) actually no one got killed the two of them just um, released (but by agreement their release was completely outside of me :)
d) we hung out for 45 minutes afterwards and both of 'em confirmed they really wanted to do that (um, duh with names like that - they ARE more than best friends)
e) i cannot describe what a swordfight may or may not have been but for a consulting fee I will reveal 99% of details to straight porn producer who can prove that's really his vocation

Ok kids. Swordfights can cause thirst, specially if your door is locked. Much like cetain 80's tracks - this is equally as disruptive (but generally better than) A Birdhouse in Your Soul

I

up and down - and I ain't talkin about the Vengaboys

Wow is it raining today. That means short circuits on the power grid. So when I saw that the power is up and down - its up and down more often than a Filipina prostitute near a navy base.

But you deal.

When the power is off, there is no water. Electric pumps. The hotel has their wifi stuff on a battery so you get just enough time to tell your chat partners: power cut again see ya later.

There was a brit couple in the next room that FLIPPED OUT this morning at breakfast about the power cuts, possible road flooding - they actually thought they were safer in San Jose.

Poor bastards. It just isn't so. They mistanslated what the woman helpfully tried to tell them and reacted based on that. And who the fuck am I to correct that perception?!

So it's mildly annoying. The power cuts last (so far) more often than 1.5 hours and I've got a really good book from the hotel library!

All the neato electrical stuff stops working and you just have to light a candle. Here's an example. See above.

a Spanish-speaking reader enlightens us on PQ no te callas..........

Sorry - if English is your only language, just pass this over. If you understand Spanish and a tiny bit about how Spain's former colonies interact with her (in this day and age) this video CAN make a lot of sense.

Ok if you got lost at "former colonies interact," you're probably American. It's OK, so am I. It took me years to learn this part of history which is explicitly NOT taught in our school. Think of it another way - the US and Canada are former colonies of the UK. Both countries have enhanced ties because of that. It's really not too much different in well, about 80% of the Latino world which used to but no longer Venezuela, Colombia pays lip-service and the Panamanian USA-seal-of-approval (really not sure but this is what i expect) pupped government all ago along and act sort of clique-ish at this meeting the King of Spain attends - annually.

There's more information but it would take more than 3 seconds of video (which I will embed anyway) to fully explain... Watch it with a hispanic friend who keeps up with news from down south - then ask him to explain why he is laughing so hard afterwards.



Listen for the bald dude askng (exasperated) - POR QUE NO TE CALLAS. I *so* agree with the king of Spain.

This was a hot story that did not quite carry over from the Latin Press to the North American. Maybe it got a little coverage out of Ottawa (Canada) and her cable/TV/news nets but CNN and FOX have been pretty silent about the story save to cover it negatively - as in "Venezuelan rebel may nationaize oil company (CITGO) becuase it would distract the American public from feelng scared ...

Scared for whom exactly:?! Their wallets. It's a great way to make this idiot Venezuelan responsible (in the minds of the American populace that he is responsible) 100% for the higher gas/diesel/heating oil costs. And by the time it all filters thru the translation - well everyone knows what the message is expected to be.

Nevermind in the last two years ACTUAL CARS became economically accessible to Indian and Chinese citizens and eight lane (each way) highways of international quality opened between major Chinese cities.

Ever think their global thirst for gasoline might just possibly have an effect?

Point is: Chavez is an idiot but he should not be a scapegoat. Nor should the Indian or Chinese citizens with their new cars.

As the international level of development rises... the USA just might stay slightly ahead and still have that certain je ne sais quois about its economy pushing it along. Or it might not. A 3rd term for Bush (McCain) could well seal our fate.

Yes, WHEN (not IF, I pray) I pray I can vote democrat for Obama. Obama is a washington outsider who will disturb a lot of establised corruption patterns. Hillary will maintain some that are convenient.

McCain? Status fuckin' quo. Your vote for ?McCain in November is sealing the country's fate for the deaths/maimings of thousands of American soldiers who do not deserve to have that happen since the whole premise of entering Iraq is/was a big damn lie. Never was a Saddam Hussein/Al Queda connection!!!!! Saddam never really had weapons of mass destruction.

Bush/Cheney/Rove/Rice are 100% responsible for all the blood. May they get their karmic justice. Do not perpetrate all the blood that will spill from young american servicemen (or has alread spilled). Do not vote 3rd party to be a rebel -dammit get real we are a 2-party system and that changes from the local level UPWARDS and not with these so called "independent" (snorts, my ass... a printout of their stock portfolio would show what flavor of independent they are). It produces 15 second news item on the fear channels when the indpendents give campain speeches.

Please do not vote based on what you see on the fear channels. Vote carefully. Vote an absentee ballot that will not be passed through a Diebold voting machine. Ensure your voice is counted, whatever it is!

We should pull out of the middle east entirely and SEE for ourselves how the billions of dollars poured into propping up the state of Israel really work out in our absence. I bet they do ok - and if not, well, we tried but then changed priorities to make our internal programs like education more important. I pray that that happens.

So if you're writing this goddamn much, where are you writing from?

This link should help.

Si estas de vacaciones, PQ no te callas?

Translation of the title: If you're on vacation, why don't you shut up? (implied: with all this blog posting) There is a joke for my Spanish-speaking readers in there too but it would take several paragraphs to explain.

Quite simply. It's raining here.

my opinion about the upcoming USA presidential election

A picture says a thousand words.

the obligatory posting about cellphones

I don't go a week without posting perhaps multiple times about cellphones. I'm a mobile phone junkie. (If/when I ever get brain cancer, the news will appear first, but those of you who've known me for a really long time know goddamn right well that the primary risk factor that lit the fuse on the cancer just might not be radio waves.)

But I am on vacation. And aptly, in the location where I am at: there is zero cellphone coverage. I would have to walk 1km from here to see even a hint of a signal. No TDMA (yes, some antique technology is still used here) and no GSM. In the center of the nearest town both phones show full bars. But just a few KM away - the tropical foliage does a kick-ass job of attenuating the signal, so both gadgets are useless here.

How am I posting? Hotel has wifi. How they connect to the internet, I don't give a damn. I can even phone from here, my room with no phone, using skype. The local internet mafia appears to have given up (at least for now) on harassing us rebels who use internet to send our overly-self-important (yes, at times but this should come as no surprise to frequent readers...) verbal opinions across international borders at dirt-cheap rates.

Andrew Jackson, a Benjamin and the special prescriptions, or, a never-published Hardy Boys story

It is an open secret among my close friends that I choose to manage my anxiety with the help of certain Roche/Pfizer-branded things. And it really IS anxiety management - I know there are skeptics who are going to read this and say: "You were just an addict getting your fix." No, not so much.

YOU try running your own business and living your life. Eventually you're going to drink, find god or take a calm-me-down pill.

YES, the calm-me-down pills CAN be addictive. But the first two will probably do you a lot more harm...

In some countries these prescriptions have distinctive colors or security features. I will not say what color the special prescriptions are so as to protect the ... well I won't say "guilty" but "involved" will do fine.

I just didn't want to waste a day or half a day finding a pharmacist that could refer me to a doctor's office, or ask a cab driver for a recommendation or whatever. I was staying at a swank place recently (British readers I said SWank, get yer mind out the gutter ya wankers). I went to the concierge and tipped him twenty bucks before even speaking about WHY. I said to him (mostly in his native language - ) "...for every problem there is a solution." I showed him my near-empty non-USA-branded product packages. "I'm going to get the legal paperwork for this country to buy more of this stuff before the end of the day, no matter what. If it's with your help, it will save me time. But it is going to happen no matter whether you get involved or not. You really shouldn't feel guilty because I don't. Now here are the brand names, chemical agents and their dosages. Please find me a doctor that will skip the office visit and just sign the damn document.

An hour later my local cellular phone number rang. (Kids, some sage advice: if you're in a foreign land and speak the local language well enough to talk on the phone - get your damn self a local mobile number no matter HOW you have to do it because it will probably immeasurably change your life.)

Depending on which country you're in it (the phone transaction or use thereof) may also immeasurably drain your wallet, but that's a whole other topic. I digress....

It was the concierge. "I found someone!" He actually sounded surprised. I'm sure he'd made some calls and heard "Not no but hell no" a few times. But he succeeded and that's what counts. Power of positive thinking... you can't discount it. It was like the movie "The Secret," except I had decided: I AM going to buy those pills. Positive thinking!

He went on to tell me, "... but the guy wants to ask you a few questions over the phone." OK, I have no problem with this.

I will take the details of my conversation with that duly-licensed medical professional to my grave.

So it wound up that a hundred bucks (that's where Benjamin enters the saga - this ain't no bible story and it sure as shit doesn't have anything to do with Hebrew School) went into an envelope to pay for the "medical consultation" that I'd gotten in... well it took between 90 and 600 seconds on the phone. You guess which, I'm not gonna fuckin' tell. Tough. I left the envelope with the concierge and went off to do other things.

Yes, just other things. I share a lot with my readers but I will not share in this context what those other things may or may not have been. I was "busy." Read that entirely as you will. Those of you who have read this blog know full well that the writer isn't overly-concerned about your judgments or opinions. Well, some of you the latter...

(Especially those of you who've been telling me over and over for the last six months: YOU NEED TO GET LAID, DUDE! The jury is still out on that question, but I'm 90% certain you were right.)

So I returned to my hotel room and there was an envelope with duly-authorized prescription documents appropriate for that country - basically confirming that that medical professional concurred with my opinions about anxiety management!

I have to admit though... I laughed like hell at how quickly it all worked out. Props for:
* the power of positive thinking
* the TRUTH behind the statement "if you don't ask, you don't get."

And for those of you that read this far (thanks) - you might be wondering why this was a never-published Hardy Boys story. Surely the author of those stories wouldn't ever conceive of doing something quite so ghastly. But maybe... If either of the Hardy Boys ever abused these pills I assure you they might have just passed dead out. There have been plenty of stories in which they were drugged. This class of drugs would not be a villain's first or second choice (what I bought does NOT rhyme with "poofy"). OR - and this is pure speculation - maybe they WERE (however implausibly) drugged and then realized they'd both gotten cornholed pretty good so they agreed never to tell the story. Choose your own ending there.

I crack myself up. (Adopts Beavis and Butthead tone of voice) "He just said cornholed and ending all in the same breath. Heheheehhehehh."

Stella and her groove

Ok for those that don't get it, I'm referring to the movie, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."

Since movie titles are so different for the same damn film but in different countries, here are as many references to the title that I can find.

Also Known As (AKA)
A Nova Paixão de Stella Brazil / Portugal (video title)
Benvenuta in paradiso Italy
Cómo Estela recuperó la marcha Spain
How Stella Got Her Groove Back Argentina (video title)
How Stella Got Her Groove Back On USA (working title)
Sans complexes France
Stella vaihtaa vapaalle Finland
Stella's Groove: Männer sind die halbe Miete GermanyTaas svengaa Finland (TV title)

Ok, let's everyone sing a few bars of kum bah yah, then buy the world a coke and get on with our lives after the big multinational group hug. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, if you are reading this: "Dammit, I said A coke not SOME coke." I single you out because when I see you on the Venevision TV news which I watch on grey-market TV from Phoenix... your face looks just like Diego Maradona did every time I saw him entering rehab on Cronica TV from Argentina. I tend to be pretty perceptive and I gotta call it like it is.

Anyway, this vacation has proven to DEFINITELY a catharsis for me. (YES P, I said it again. It's scary... That little charcoal briquette at the core of my soul might be getting pressured into being an industrial diamond. Or maybe I might shit it out at noon time tomorrow after breakfast who knows....)

I think of that movie. My life has a few parallels. I never got the surprise Stella did: I have known up front all of my boyfriends/sex partners have been/were probably gay.

Well, a few of you (and you know who you are) are/were married but I won't tell if you won't tell... I also started litigating with my ex BEFORE getting my groove back which is unlike Stella. She did it later and really damn publicly, well thanks to www.thesmokinggun.com .

Parenthetically speaking but it really reads better as its own paragraph, grammar be damned: Ok, a few of my um... boyfriends have gone on to date girls. But I have never agonized over whether I "turned them straight." Whatever they were, they never chose anything - nor I - but they did make a snap decision in the moment to get or give some head from/to a dude.

Yes, damn it... I think I am getting my groove back. And to those who might oppose that I'm going to give you some sage advice that I'm pretty sure I heard on Cartoon Network. "Don't piss on the electric fence."

sayings that turned out to be true / the reach of USA TV in the 70's

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone."
- I always thought that that was bullshit. I still think it's bullshit if it's just a fuck. However, if good conversation goes along with it, it can be absolutely cathartic.

(Yes, P in Valencia, the ice-cold gringo said cathartic. Can you fucking believe it? I am surprised too.)

Then I was reminded of some cultural stuff by that same, um, I don't even know how to put it. I'd say angel sent by god but I'm not christian and don't speak with a Brazilian accent. (Because "angel from god" translated into Spanish sounds terribly like those silly Pare de Sufrir folks. And when those folks speak Spanish, they sound terribly Brazilian because well, um... they are!)

I didn't know that live American television made it this far south in the late 70's. But oh man, we had some memories of 70's TV in common and laughed like hell. Maybe they were not "specifically" shared - i.e. the event we laughed like hell about as adults actually happened in 1977. I'm pretty certain at age 7 I would not have understood this, nor would (or should, holy shit!) either of my parents explained it to me.

Actually my new friend (this is not "friend" in the American sense either) remembered it a little incorrectly but I too had to THINK and THINK and THINK before I said, "Ah, fuck it," and did a google search. Sure enough, Wikipedia had the answer.

I will quote directly from there. Go to this page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Newlywed_Game
(subject to change) and search for the word "butt."

(Yes, for those that are perceptive we are/were two gay men that had just done that thing that makes Jesus cry. Or whatever you want to call it. If you're not perceptive, please re-read the last word of the last paragraph and then this one. If you still don't get it at this point maybe you really should start considering this question: "Am I really that dumb?" I know, it's a tough one. But you have to admit the problem before you can start to fix it.)

"The Newlywed Game was the subject of an urban legend for many years. The story, which had several variations, had Bob Eubanks asking a contestant, "Where is the weirdest place where you have ever made whoopee?" in one episode. The contestant supposedly responded, "In the butt." Eubanks denied the incident for a long time.[2]

It turned out that the incident in question happened in a 1977 episode where Eubanks asked a wife named Olga where the weirdest place that she and her husband Hank had the urge to "make whoopee" was. After drawing a blank, and prodded by Eubanks to give an answer, the wife responded, "In the ass" (with "ass" bleeped out). As everyone in the studio laughed uproariously, Eubanks clarified the question, asking for the weirdest location.

Eubanks reluctantly presented the clip on a 2002 NBC special, The Most Outrageous Game Show Moments, which he co-hosted. The clip also appeared (uncensored) in the 2002 film Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, about the life of producer Barris.

Hank's original, more pedestrian answer that Olga couldn't match was... "in the car", one that had drawn laughter and applause during the husbands-only segment. (Eubanks: "I'm going to take the side streets hereafter." )

During the same season, Eubanks asked another set of couples what their least favorite place to make love was. One wife quickly said, "Probably I would say the ass" (with that word bleeped out.) causing her husband to groan and sink in his seat. That episode was seen on the "Nutty Newlyweds" retrospective on Game Show Network in 2002.

Muslo, pechuga o.... dogma? (translation is inside the post)

I was at Watchtower Fried Chicken this afternoon without even realizing it.

My post title means: Thigh (or leg/both), Breast or DOGMA - same word in English.

I am staying somewhere near Quepos, Costa Rica. To put what that means in perspective: this time of year (late May) it rains 12-24 hours out of the day.

I went into town because, well, I didn't really need anything but it was raining and I was bored.

I got some fried chicken, which is served with flour tortillas, ketchup, mustard and something very similar to Pico de Gallo.

So I'm sitting there wondering.... how the fuck do I make sense of this place.... when it throws me a total curveball. Inside the counter where they have the Orbit gum (which is sugar-free and ONLY has a too-much-of-this-gum-is-a-laxative warning in Latin America...) they have Spanish language Jehovahs Witness Literature.

I ate and left. Didn't say anything. Didn't witness anything either. And I won't go back to that place.

I forget the word for watchtower in Spanish but it means *exactly* the same thing.

Cheap ANCEL (Uruguay) phones are definitely NOT locked

ANCEL is a GSM 1800 network. I bought my Nokia 1600 series from ANCEL in Uruguay and was rather surprised when it accepted my T-mobile chip. But the proof is... does it work well away from home?

I.C.E. Costa Rica is also GSM 1800. BAM! the Nokia 16xx used my T-mo sim to get on the network in NO TIME.

I sort of expected this based on previous tests but... my 3rd-world Nokia 1600 works just the same as my HTC phone (worth 10 times the value as the 3rd-world Nokia!) here in Costa Rica with the smae T-mo SIM.

My HTC has to fail some "tests" before it looks for a GSM1800 signal. It eventually works but not super-fast. The Nokia 1600 is designed to be a a low cost no frills 3rd-world phone. It first looks on 900 then 1800 (neither of which work in the USA). It does it FAST.

The Nokia finds GSM1800 immediately. The HTC took.. well, 15 minutes. It took my T-mobile Wing from the time I took it out of the overhead compartment until sometime when I was going immigration to figure out where it was and whether it could roam. So... $400 phone - quite the delay. $40 phone - instant. :)

SUPER customer service from T-mobile!!!!!

Ok, fair's fair. I chose the "lets play global thermonuclear war" customer service option with them about a week ago when my cellphone with a Chicago phone number started acting up - I'd receive a call to my Chicago number dialed from locally, or SoCal, or wherever - outside Chicago. It would NOT connect. If I did not answer - ok it went to voicemail. But if I answered - dead air on my side and dead air on theirs, no voicemail.

Hell, most of the calls I get I really don't know WHERE they came from since they are overseas business associates dialing out (in?) via various VOIP gateways throughout the USA.

But I know for damn sure that when my biggest client whose phone is 480-21x-xxxx can't call me - this, I have a big big problem with. If she gets dead air instead of voicemail - this is not the image I wish to portray for my business. But I cannot change to a 480/602 number. Yeah I know there's that west-valley area code 623 but sorry, here's what I perceive:

In people's minds:
602 means you're established downtown Phoenix
480 means you live in Snottsdale or in Mormon. Ooops I mean Mesa. Or Tempe.
623... means you live in a trailer in the desert somewhere out west of downtown Phoenix.

Yes I know there are huge high value (well the value was high a year ago but I better stay on topic) gated communities out west BUT.... 623 is not the first three digits you want to send to convey an "I'm successful" message.

I keep my 312 Chicago number because well, I've had it forever and because its been the most "static" thing about my life.

Last week I got CRAP customer service from T-Mo. From their Snottsdale Fashion Square Store - buy a prepaid phone and airtime. And no, we won't pay for any of it and its your problem to tell your callers which new line to call.

Um, NO.

From their 611 customer service number - Mr P*** (wouldn't you like to know, readers), you are 4 days outside of contract so we'll be happy to port your number anywhere you want -- get this (because *I* didn't bring it up) -- "... if your balance is paid in full." Um HELLO? Bill was paid in full 5/13 and why would I stop? Not in a billion years would I deal with the AT&T Deathstar since they f$ck up everything they touch. Why on EARTH would I deal with the monster that ate BellSouth, AmeriTech, PacBell and Cingular when MCI still hasn't gotten its sh1t together 20 years after their mergers and aquisitions? Sprint just merged with Nextel and that caused BIG billing problems (but in my favor so I will never admit to them because they were WAY in my favor... I used to be a Sprint voice customer so um... not saying a WORD about it.)

Their legal department called me - and oh boy was it on the wrong day at the wrong time. I gave 'em the what-for and they said - fine, switch to Deathstar or whoever you want. I really thought it was over.

But I have to travel internationally and that's why I USE this DAMN GSM thing. If I wanted to travel exclusively to South Korea or Moldova I'd switch to Sprint or Verizon in a heartbeat. Markets that have Cricket or GhettoPCS (oh sorry I meant Metro) are using the same thing as Sprint and Verizon.

So two nights before I not only made sure my account was paid up, I flushed $200 more down the toilet. See I have business things going on at odd hours that make it damn inconvenient to look up which 800 number to dial followed by which access code and number. I'd crash my damn car trying to dial all that shit! Not only have my calling patterns change but I need to roam in yet another country than the usual ones.

Their legal department called this afternoon (5/23) wanting to know if the problem was solved. It took them THREE ATTEMPTS to succesfully connect. So - answer, "guess not..."

I am human. To most that know me, they know what a gigantic admission this is because I AM an arrogant SOB. The last time T-Mo's legal dept called I UNLOADED. So today when we finally connected I did the "right" thing and sincerely apologized to the guy.

This afternoon the troubleshooting got kicked up not just a notch but to 100% attention to MY problem. (Well, that's how I felt and it IS all about me, is it not?)

Test call from the guy (Jim) @ the Phoenix T-mo "switch." Ok, instructions to go to the the Scottsdale Fashion Square store for a SIM-swap. Test calls afterwards made on my account to the tech folk behind the scenes at the T-Mo store in Scottsdale.

While I was still in the store a call from the same guy at the PHX T-mo switch. "Stay in the mall about 15 mins. while we sort this out."

Um, no fucking way was I about to wait in the T-mo store. I had far more important things to do. I am not ABOUT to buy a new phone from a telco that says "just get a prepaid, shut up and pay for the minutes."

My SIM card was swapped without any question at the store. They said - you can hang here or at the mall for a few while we make some test calls.

I somehow wound up in the Oakley store. I saw Shaq. (Big huuuuuuuge yawn, the city of Tempe has hired him to be five-oh!) Yes that is Shaquille O'Neill or however his momma mis-spelled it in the picture!!!!



We made more test calls with the Phoenix T-mo personnel and the Chi-town T-mo personnel. They wanted me to do a phone call in and out of SoCal (thanx Hope and Jim for being good sports) to see what route that took. I'm pretty certain from what I overheard between their tech staff that T-mo-USA is a Cisco network.

I won't disclose exactly what I overheard that makes me think the problem is fixed. All that I *do* have to say is that - if you have a problem with a company and the front-line staff read "policy" ....... BE READY TO BITCH!

T-mo did me right today and kept me from going over to the Deathstar. It was really cool to see how it evolved once (a DAMN week later) they got interested in the problem.

Visa? Mastercard? They are not "everywhere you want to be" if issued by a USA bank

I was talking with a friend who lives in a European Union country about something I have to do before each trip overseas.

Basically I have to go through my wallet card-by-card and get a customer service rep on the line for each, who transfers me to their "fraud department."

Why? Because if I do not do this, my USA-issued cards may work ONCE in a foreign country (if at all). I am therefore forced to share my travel itinerary with each bank every time I leave the USA.

You might have guessed that I am not your typical USA citizen. In reality I travel quite a bit. But every time I have to go through this cycle, card by card and bank by bank - sharing my itinerary with the bank.

This is contrary to "it's everywhere you want to be." I have to answer all sorts of trick questions - what was the exact amount of your last deposit? Of these two bank branches, which one did you open your account at? What is your social security number?

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE INSISTENCE ON SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS. Yes, it's the closest thing the USA has to a national ID. However, I have a national ID number in Uruguay and I very rarely have to share it with anyone for anything. Pretty much at the airport/seaport when I arrive and depart (I am a legal resident so no passport is required for entry/exit of that country) I have to show the card. Otherwise no one asks.

Well, that's not QUITE true - everytime you sign a charge slip in Uruguay you are expected to show your national ID or passport and also to write those digits on the slip - but no one verifies that you wrote the correct digits of anything. Just a formality because "that's the way we've always done it."

The USA banking system is just as screwed up as healthcare. Yes, I expect and hope that I will get declined if I try to use my card in Cuba, North Korea, Sudan or Myanmar. There are trade embargoes.

I expect and hope that anywhere on the African continent outside of MAYBE South Africa I should have to do this. (But from Nigeria, definitely not. Nigeria and Ghana should have their internet and phone access to the rest of the world simply cut off until they have governments that enforce their own internal fraud laws. I've had three Nigerian-bullshit-emails in the last six hours. Zimbabwe should get shut off too until they figure out the basics of an honest election!)

But for a goddamn charge by phone to Mexico to pay for TV service each monthe when the bank rep can SEE that each month there is a charge of about the same amount? No....

Or for Uruguay. I go to Uruguay frequently. WHY should i have to give itinerary dates anymore? It should be damn right well NORMAL in my bank's eyes that I have charges from Uruguay.

And why am I upset? Because friends who live in Italy and Spain do not have to go through this bullshit with their banks. Their cards work and they are "everywhere they want to be," as opposed to what I have which is having to sit though the ad and then have it be "everywhere I want to be provided I have shared information I should not have to about my movements!!"

"obey" in wedding vows, and how much marriage can really SUCK

I 'bout fell out of my chair this Saturday afternoon at a close friend's wedding.

Never in a million years did I EVER think she'd pledge to "obey." I know I didn't in mine. It was a beautiful wedding and I was truly honored when she singled me out as her "partner in crime" (actually she means business partner in a software vendor).

(I've edited my own personal hell from this post. It serves no purpose in a public forum.)

But my friend's wedding was great, even if after the reception was over and I was safely home alone in bed I had a good hard cry about what a disaster my immediate family is at the same time as praying, in my own way, that my good friend's wedding I attended on Saturday, May 17th 2008 at 4pm would be a successful loving marriage without any of the poison that oozes from my immediate family.

bad fast food customer service

Oh boy... I pissed in some high school kid's cheerios tonight by walking into his Arby's location at 2150 this evening. They close at 2200. I placed my order and immediately heard loud English-language bitching from this pimply-faced white kid in the back where they make the sandwiches. "Oh GREAT, I've already cleaned the slicer and now I have to do it again."

Well ain't that a bitch, I thought sarcastically. You're going to be five minutes late getting out of here and your bong will sit idle five minutes before you can get home and have that post-McJob toke of weed.

The manager was hispanic. My whole remaining conversation with him, therefore, was in Spanish. "You speak Spanish fluently, right?"

"Yes of course." He looked a little surprised that this big gringo guy would use that language but I didn't want to get my food spit in.

"I can hear that kid's comments and I really don't care that he has to clean something twice. The economy is bad, part-time workers are a dime a dozen and I'd fire his ass if I managed someone with such a bad attitude."

"Yeah, he's been warned before and he's going to get warned again. I'm really sorry about that."

"No worries, just wanted to make sure that YOU know I overheard his sarcastic comment."

By that time my food was ready and I got the hell out of there. It'll be awhile before I go back to that Arby's location in case that kid still works there ;)

T-mobile subscriber with a CHICAGO 312 or 773 area code phone number? You're screwed right now for travel, REVISITED

As it stands right now, Chicagoans and transplants, we're all still screwed when it comes to call receipt in Phoenix. This is my theory: there's some unwritten new corporate policy that says a subscriber must have a phone number in the market where their billing address is.

Yesterday I called them asking for followup. All they told me is: No notes in the trouble ticket since the 15th (I.E. I was getting total bullshit from the Snottsdale Fashion Square store manager about how they are diligently working on it) - and here's the kicker:

Their tech support guy said "I will be happy to transfer you to our department which will help you port your number elsewhere."

Honestly I'd rather have to clean up after my dog with my bare hands than become an AT&T customer... Sprint's billing system is as stable as an Italian coalition government and they have 500,000 fewer subscribers to show for it. Verizon is a possibility - but Sprint and Verizon are CDMA. NO cool international phones exist for CDMA - well not unless you speak Korean... but Sprint or Verizon will probably STILL not activate an imported CDMA phone since it probably won't have software that complies with E911 requirements.

T-mobile: all I want is to be able to take any of my seven or eight (I lose count) GSM handsets with me most anywhere in the world and I might even throw ya a few minutes of roaming traffic before I get my grubby mitts on a local SIM card and GPRS/EDGE parameters for that network. Oh, and I want calls to my Chicago number delivered in Phoenix - which has not been a problem (other than in the last month) for YEARS. I don't want to do business with the deathstar.

I vowed in 1994 when I closed my last personal deathstar account I would never use them again and that was SOUNDLY reconfirmed by my experience working for an employer who used the AT&T deathstar for voice and data traffic across five states. My personal problem with deathstar was billing related and for the 3 1/2 years I worked for that company who was yoked with a deathstar contract we never got an accurate bill. We were flat out LIED to by our billing representative a number of times.

So in short: what T-mobie is doing is quite annoying for me and for 350,000 other subscribers who are listed on that trouble sticket. But I travel internationally! Am I to THROW my CDMA phone at a passing police car in an emergency? And I've made it plain why I will not sign up with Deathstar.

amazon dot kom - cellphones for bullshit

IF YOU GET NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS POST - DO *NOT* DONATE AN OLD CELLPHONE FOR THE "BENEFIT" OF A CHARITABLE OR ANY OTHER ORGANIZATION. YOU ARE MOVING TOXIC WASTE FROM ONE PART OF THE WORLD TO ANOTHER AND THAT'S ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

Ok, I recently ordered filters for my Roomba vacuuming robot as well as a food scale.

In other words - no one else in any other country on the goddamn planet would order this combo of crap.

IF YOU HAVE ORDERED FROM AMAZON RECENTLY DO NOT BE TAKEN IN BY THIS "DONATION" B.S. AS PICTURED IN THIS BLOG ENTRY. YOU ARE ***NOT*** HELPING TROOPS CALL HOME. YOU ARE MOVING TOXIC WASTE FROM ONE PART OF THE WORLD TO ANOTHER. PERIOD.

I started a new diet recently that's been damn hard to stick to. Four small meals per day with food that attracts squirrels. No beef allowed. Hardly any ham. Mostly turkey. Yogurt. Protein powders. BEEF? Never. In other words if the goddamn world ended tomorrow and I had no idea what to eat other than on this very restrictive list I would die of starvation.

So that's the down side.

On the plus side, the days I do it - I'm not hungry AT ALL between "meals." (Those are the days the TV news "teaser" at 8pm says "Hell froze over, news at 10.")

My mood is better. That's NOT saying much because these days I get so much shit from every side, every hour - you don't want to fucking mess with me because if you look at me wrong you're going to need cosmetic gonad replacement surgery. I'll kick you BACK so hard you won't know what happened. Generally I won't start something - unless you're an ex-boyfriend or a cellphone company - but you really ought NOT fuck with me because... as the mobsters on TV say: "I cannot guarantee your safety."

That said, physically harming someone is bad karma. (You are physically harming someone sending your toxic waste 'elsewhere.') So what it really means is - my BITCHcraft is probably more powerful than yours. Google "macumba." It's not a hollywood trend, I learned of it living outside the USA. Mess with me and I'll do a short but effective (from what I've seen) ritual. It's less expensive than Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell (may he CONTINUE to burn in hell) and far more effective.

The major part of my new food program arrived today. It's a food scale. Actually if this were 1978-1984 it would be a coke dealer's WET DREAM. I haven't opened the box yet but it looks to have the same accuracy as the triple beam scale my college roommate had on his coffee table the week after he moved out to live on his own in off campus housing. I swear to god he never owned it when we co-habitated, and that's as valuable as our current jesus-freak president taking an oath on the bible. ;)

Of course, I'm supposed to use this thing to weigh chicken, turkey, (gags) fish (because IT SMELLS LIKE PUSSY IF ITS NOT SUPER-FRESH-WHICH-DOES-NOT-HAPPEN-IN-PHOENIX AND THAT AIN'T MY THING) or whatever. But it is accurate.

Moore's law (google it you dipshit I don't have time to explain it to the 'tards who haven't kept up with buzzwords) applies to scales as well. The accuracy this thing has used to cost five hundred bucks twenty years ago. Now it cost about USD$25. (I mean, even the far-devalued Bush/Cheney/Condi-era dollars!)

TOILET PAPER might actually be a better currency investment than dollars these days.

However, I haven't quite gotten past the suicide-vs.-retirement decision (oh sorry to upset you, I meant euthanasia) so my portfolio isn't as balanced as it should be.

I was truly SHOCKED at the plastic mailer that arrived in the box: Roomba is a vacuum-cleaner-meets-robot for the lazy. It scared the CRAP (literally) out of my dog... but now they sort of co-exist. It was a pack of filters for the Roomba plus this super accurate food scale. And along with it, courtesy of Amazon... this plastic self sealing mailer you're supposed to put old cellphones in "for the troops."

THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR THE ENVIRONMENT IS TO SHITCAN THIS MAILER!

95% of cellphones sold in the USA in the last 10 years will not work in the rest of the world. The USA DOES NOT follow world standards! So if you think for a second that your old cellphone is actually going to go to some poor bastard who VOLUNTEERED to be part of the World Police, er, US Military - your family was either REALLY POOR (i.e. you joined up or took a Wal-Mart McJob) or you thought your dad's post-Korea or Vietnam ideas made sense. (dumbass....)

A year ago I would have solidly recommended you donate your old cellphone to a domestic-violence crisis center. Now, not so much. The execufucktards that run those organizations have been told that Donating Old Cellphones Generates Revenue.

Find out how your local authorities want you to treat household hazardous waste (unless you live in Arizona where you will damn near literally be told - double-bag it and put it with the rest of your trash)

In other words, if you live in the USA your old cellphone is useless. Be VERY skeptical of any disposal scheme - I cannot recommend one. Be certain that if you ask your local government or a charity how best to get rid of it... odds are 90+ percent they will LIE to you. WHATEVER YOU DO - don't put it in a bag that looks like the one pictured. Your old phone IS toxic waste but don't let someone bullshit you into a "donation."

T-mobile subscriber with a CHICAGO 312 or 773 area code phone number? You're screwed right now for travel.

For my non-USA readers thanks for stopping by! I actually want more readership from outside the USA to show that ONE American is curious about the rest of the world OUTSIDE the 30-second fear-laden news bites unlike most of us believe like dumb sheep... But in most other countries a cellular number has it's own area/city/long distance code that allows for a callER pays model.

That means (for my US readers) that when you live in another country you think TWICE before dialing a cellular phone because it's going to cost you (at night) slightly more and (during the day) A SMALL FORTUNE to make that call. The mobile phone owner happily answers those calls because they are (for her/him) 'free' and in a lot of countries the mobile phone owner gets marketing 'points' they can use in exchange for free airtime or maybe even (yeah right) a free phone.

In the USA it's another story. You get a 'bucket' of minutes. Doesn't matter if they are inbound or outbound calls. You get 'free' calls to phones that are on the same carrier in most cases but otherwise it does not matter whether the call is RECEIVED or SENT - the cellular subscriber pays minutes.

T-Mobile USA has had a big network problem that they are hiding. It's been going on for a month. I notice it because I've got a Chicago phone number in Arizona.

I sent the following to the "breaking news" email addresses of all the English-language Chicago television stations because otherwise T-Mo is not going to do a damn thing. I followed it up with phone calls to all the newsroom phone numbers I could find (as well as a coupla talk radio stations).

Otherwise I doubt T-Mo will fix the problem anytime soon.

Quoted message:"
I live in Arizona but have a 312-xxx-xxxx number with T-mobile because too many of my business contacts have it. Over the last month receiving calls has been MADDENING. Didn't matter whether I was in Las Vegas, Southern Utah, San Diego, Phoenix, Flagstaff - wherever.... the phone would ring and I'd get dead air. My caller would also get dead air - no voicemail.

When I finally had a moment to call customer care they did not even tell me about this on the phone when I called them, they sent me to a store to have my phone looked at and agreed that a possible SIM swap was indicated.

I told them, "I can't receive calls at all. They ring with the correct caller ID and then its dead air. The caller hears dead air and the call doesn't go to my voicemail."

I was ASTONISHED when we didn't start a troubleshooting tree - the woman said, "Do you have a Chicago phone number?"

"Yes."

"Oh we thought we had the problem fixed but intermittently for about the last month more often than not, calls to T-mobile subscribers with Chicago numbers go to dead air - their phone rings just like you're describing."

"So when will this be fixed? I use my phone for business and it's very confusing for my customers to get dead air, not even my voicemail."

"We don't know. 350,000 customers have reported the problem and we are.... " (guess what words are coming next) "... TAKING THE PROBLEM SERIOUSLY."

We went back and forth but essentially the T-mobile employees at the Scottsdale Fashion Square politely told me I was SOL and there was nothing they were going to do for me. No credit, no options, no nothing. I just had to wait until they fixed the problem.

Cellular users with T-mobile Chicago numbers in area codes 312 and 773 if this has caused you issues - the internal trouble ticket number is TT976176. Give 611 a jingle and help T-Mobile to take the problem seriously, truly seriously - because if you're traveling with your T-mobile phone outside the Chicago area you are probably S*** OUT OF LUCK for receiving calls.

GSM in Costa Rica

I'm going to find out in about three weeks what the reality is of GSM roaming in Costa Rica. Looks like the probability of getting a local prepaid SIM is about ZERO.

Geeks with ball-buster bosses that think your phone and push email should be turned on wherever you are - THIS is a good destination for you if you have T-Mobile. Assuming, that is, you aren't a total kiss-ass that thinks you should be available during your vacation. TAKE THE DAMN TIME OFF. The mobile network will enforce it anyway.

Deathstar / Cingular / ATT customers - no idea what your experience will be. I stopped buying anything from the AT 'n T deathstar in the 90's when it became clear that no-customer-service was in the top five bullet points of all their business plans for anything. By all means get an iPhone but hacktivate it on T-mobile or your home country carrier. Fuck Apple and AT'nT. Don't give your business to the deathstar for anything. (If you're completely confused by my describing a company as "deathstar" - AT'nT has a logo that looks damn similar to the deathstar in one of the first two Star Wars movies. When you see the deathstar destroy Princess Lay-Ya's planet - that's going to be your customer service experience with AT'nT/deathstar. Maybe not right away, but wait a few months...

Boss-avoiders - make sure your handset does NOT support GSM 1800. Your handset must support GSM 1800 to work in Costa Rica. Looking for GPRS(internet data) parameters? Not so much...

Planning on getting a prepaid SIM to avoid getting screwed on roaming? OH NO.. not so much. ICE, the local carrier, does not sell prepaid to casual customers. It makes it really obvious that the GSM switch providers DO sell their licensing on a per-line basis and Costa Rica has made a business decision not to buy in on the whole fly 'em in, churn 'em for a week and burn 'em model many travelers take advantage of. You ARE going to get screwed for roaming by your home country carrier. Only the locals get "contract" accounts with access to GPRS.

Besides, if you want a local SIM you have to have a local ID/passport. Last time I was in CR ICE advertised in the newspapers when blocks of GSM numbers were going to become available. Forget about a casual buy-a-SIM-in-the-street transaction like in other South/Central American countries!!! The locals lined up the night before and around the block....

Well, inasmuch as there ARE blocks in Costa Rica since a typical address there is more a story than a street name and number. Streets are not named and you better be able to describe your location as "in the neighborhood called XXXXX 500 meters south of the former brothel...." - the town name and state/province (I forget which) is also included but its not an address, it's a story. If you live there even your bank statement will have the story which is your address, your house just will not have a number.

I AM my own boss so I may choose to receive calls and I'll likely have to make a few. T-Mo USA advises that ICE will be the carrier I see on my phone assuming it supports GSM 1800. No data roaming agreement (thank god) so no push mail/crackberry for a week.

What does ICE stand for? Certainly not the frozen form of water. Costa Rica's climate does not support that. HELL may freeze over before ICE has competition though. Truly, there is no competition. ICE stands for "Instituto Costarricense de Electricidad" - or literally translated - the Costa Rican Electricity Institute.

Silly me. I thought Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison had it all figured out. Apparently this mystery is still under study in Costa Rica. It all makes sense if you google for articles (mostly in Spanish) about how Ericsson bribed some past Costa Rican governments to implement their GSM stuff. They SEEM to have figured out actual electricity so long as your nice house is equipped with an (imported at 300% duty unless you paid a bribe) generator, batteries, voltage stabilizer etc... Like I said electricity is not a company in Costa Rica, it's an institute. They can provide it but only sometimes because its still a big mystery. Costa Rican electric power is lightyears better than in, say, Bangalore but it's only SLIGHTLY worse than most Chicago neighborhoods circa 199x.

Given any option - take the stairs and skip the elevator. You'll sweat BUCKETS more stuck in the elevator when ICE's power supply randomly goes dead.

In short... neither my iPhone nor my HTC Windows Mobile phone will go to CR. Yeah they do 1800 but they are overkill and a target for theft. Instead I will bring my Uruguayan-purchased unlocked 3rd-world-model Nokia with the T-Mo SIM since ICE does 1800 just like Uruguay's ANCEL.

I'm sure coverage will be great in the airport and in San Jose (capital) but San Jose is a GREAT place - to get the hell out of. We'll see how it works in Guanacaste. I'll post the report when I've returned.

Less is more, or the American courts

Tomorrow I have to go give a victim impact statement regarding my ex in his criminal case. I don't like to have to do it - it's like having a tooth pulled for example -

but I will say my piece. He's attempted intimidation this week, the usual crap a dumb wannabe lawyer would tell his high-priced mommy-is-paying-for-my-laywer stuff. I will not edit one bit of what I have to say but I'll take more time to make sure I have facts that back it all up. It's going to come at the civil trial where I can be cross-examined about it.

Another very dear friend has to be at a deposition of sorts. She need not speak I don't think. Unfortunately I also have spoken with her adversary in the same case this evening.

I have advised both - and will take the advice for myself - that less said is more. The less said, the best thought through with the least extraneous detail - the more impact.

These are all situations where conflict de-escalation is highly unlikely. I won't rule it out but every word must be carefully chosen for the cross examination.

I am satisfied that all three of us are quite ready.

Qwest was cutting edge in the 90's BUT NOW...

They're a bit of a dinosaur.

I'm holding out hope. No silly, not for fiber to the home. I'd settle for ADSL2 in my central office. Qualifying customers get a Motorola 3347 modem with speeds - so sayeth the sales person - " of 12 to 20 megabit per second "

Yeah, far cry from Fios but without all that video baggage and the de facto abandonment of copper that Verizon has carried out.

I can't get it ordered yet but Denver and Phoenix tend to be the first markets where Qwest puts new stuff in. Hopefully my CO (480-947) has this stuff coming soon.

If any other reader here works for a competitor with colocation space at Scottsdale downtown (again 480-947) and you're putting in ADSL2 - well, who ever lights it up first gets the signature on the contract.

iPhone hacking, a common sense warning

Ok, if you're one of the hundreds of people who leave the USA or other countries where they sell the iPhone with a few of the things in your backpack for re-sale at a profit at home...

Do not be tempted by how "fast and easy" it is to unlock the phone. You might get USD$25 or $50 extra selling it unlocked but DON'T DO IT. Leave it new in the box. Let it be the buyers problem to get it unlocked locally. Why? Any issue with that phone and YOU ARE GOING TO BE THEIR BITCH when they need it fixed.

Even if you're not re-selling an iPhone overseas, don't help your friends with theirs. Same deal. Any fucktard can unlock an iPhone, I've seen actual total fucktards that have managed the unlock process. Since you never touched it, that blank look you give them when they ask some question can be absolutely guilt-free.

wi-fi in the car / iPhone

I've had a Sprint EV-DO device for awhile now. I'd been in the habit of bringing the EV-DO unit along with a Cradlepoint-brand router (the USB connection) to my client's office. That way I'm on a totally separate connection, totally separate channels, different encryption - i.e. within reason I can look at pretty much whatever on the web without worrying OMFG did that just get monitored?

On a recent trip to San Diego I stopped at a truck stop. Amongst the crap on the shelves they have some interesting stuff - namely a magnet-mount 1,900 MHz antenna compatible with this EV-DO device through the right adapter. The EV-DO device has an external antenna port and plugs in to the antenna.

WOW.

I could have replaced the DC power supply with a cigarette lighter adapter but I have an inverter for low-wattage devices. It'll run a laptop power supply plus the original power supply for the router.

Only in REALLY remote areas is there no coverage. Driving around Phoenix - voila, WiFi. Doesn't matter that my iPhone only gets EDGE speeds through the T-mobile network, it's getting wifi through Sprint.

Oh, and from the time I had the iPhone out of the box until it was activated and unlocked - ten minutes until I had that deathstar SIM popped out of there, the hack executed and up and running on T-mobile.

The iPhone has one other major shortcoming. Ok, it's a music device. Why the f*ck does it not have A2DP bluetooth capabilities? (In english, that's bluetooth stereo.) Insane.

trunked radio

Ok, so it's not quite a cellphone topic but I got a new toy. I live in Scottsdale, Arizona which touts itself as having the highest quality of life blah blah blah. Um sure, whatever. I live in the south part of Scottsdale, i.e. the ghetto.

The cops are at this apartment complex at least once a week. Now I know why. A cheap scanner is not going to help you hear the cops in a big city. They use these special "trunked radio" systems that allocate radio channels on the fly using a data channel. But the transmissions themselves are all analog - and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Interoperability and all ;)

It's easy to setup despite Uniden's technical writers. Fortunately the way the radio system is setup it has its own group of frequencies and trunked radio site just for the ghetto. I'm close enough to the site that it doesn't require too much in the way of an antenna.

It's been fascinating listening. I was about to walk the dog the other night but someone was barricaded in a nearby apartment holding his roommates hostage with a samurai sword. Um, I'll wait until the radio traffic says that guy is locked up :-)

Gas tax holiday, who are we kidding?

Ah, now the issue in the Democratic primary is this idea of a gas tax holiday.

Remember back in 1994 all that crap about universal healthcare for everyone? The $2,500.00 balance in medical bills that I have accumulated over the past couple years - and that's WITH so-called health insurance... Well, that's case-in-point of how well that worked out.

Gas tax... hmm... what does that fund. Ah yes - bridges and roads. One of those pesky bridges collapsed in Minnesota. You think the oil companies are actually going to allow their gigantic profits to replace that money? Nah, they'll tie it up in court or reorganize their corporate structures to evade it.

Gas tax holiday sounds like a great idea. So did bread and circuses to the citizens of the Roman Emprire. Oh by the way, we have somewhat of a gas tax exemption on every indian (oh EXCUUUUUUUUUSE me, Native American) reservation but they usually just jack the profits up and keep the money.

Sprint's overpaid CEO in friendly commercials

Sprint is well-known as among the worst cellphone carriers for innacurate bills, long hold times for customer service, providing intelligible customer service when they bother about answering, following through on the (usually empty) promises of their CSR's and their network of stores where (unless you're buying a phone and not asking too many questions) you're going to have wasted a trip and be referred to the phone lines to India.

Now their CEO waxes all philosophic about how one device should be used for voice and data. Um... some of their plans explicitly forbid tethering a phone to a PC? Furthermore using the phone 100% for voice means being able to dial 611 and resolve an issue.

I have one account for Sprint for an EV-DO device. Yeah, the account had a billing error but it was in my favor so I never had to suffer on the phone. Technically its a very solid service - have it connected through an external antenna to a little router specially designed for such EV-DO devices and *presto* wifi in my car. :-) It works great.

But puh-leeeeeze fix the billing system. Commercials that basically say, "Hey, look over there at ______________?" (anything but the lack of customer service that's baked-into the business plan) are a waste. 25% of my bills this year have been innacurate.