amazon dot kom - cellphones for bullshit

IF YOU GET NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS POST - DO *NOT* DONATE AN OLD CELLPHONE FOR THE "BENEFIT" OF A CHARITABLE OR ANY OTHER ORGANIZATION. YOU ARE MOVING TOXIC WASTE FROM ONE PART OF THE WORLD TO ANOTHER AND THAT'S ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

Ok, I recently ordered filters for my Roomba vacuuming robot as well as a food scale.

In other words - no one else in any other country on the goddamn planet would order this combo of crap.

IF YOU HAVE ORDERED FROM AMAZON RECENTLY DO NOT BE TAKEN IN BY THIS "DONATION" B.S. AS PICTURED IN THIS BLOG ENTRY. YOU ARE ***NOT*** HELPING TROOPS CALL HOME. YOU ARE MOVING TOXIC WASTE FROM ONE PART OF THE WORLD TO ANOTHER. PERIOD.

I started a new diet recently that's been damn hard to stick to. Four small meals per day with food that attracts squirrels. No beef allowed. Hardly any ham. Mostly turkey. Yogurt. Protein powders. BEEF? Never. In other words if the goddamn world ended tomorrow and I had no idea what to eat other than on this very restrictive list I would die of starvation.

So that's the down side.

On the plus side, the days I do it - I'm not hungry AT ALL between "meals." (Those are the days the TV news "teaser" at 8pm says "Hell froze over, news at 10.")

My mood is better. That's NOT saying much because these days I get so much shit from every side, every hour - you don't want to fucking mess with me because if you look at me wrong you're going to need cosmetic gonad replacement surgery. I'll kick you BACK so hard you won't know what happened. Generally I won't start something - unless you're an ex-boyfriend or a cellphone company - but you really ought NOT fuck with me because... as the mobsters on TV say: "I cannot guarantee your safety."

That said, physically harming someone is bad karma. (You are physically harming someone sending your toxic waste 'elsewhere.') So what it really means is - my BITCHcraft is probably more powerful than yours. Google "macumba." It's not a hollywood trend, I learned of it living outside the USA. Mess with me and I'll do a short but effective (from what I've seen) ritual. It's less expensive than Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell (may he CONTINUE to burn in hell) and far more effective.

The major part of my new food program arrived today. It's a food scale. Actually if this were 1978-1984 it would be a coke dealer's WET DREAM. I haven't opened the box yet but it looks to have the same accuracy as the triple beam scale my college roommate had on his coffee table the week after he moved out to live on his own in off campus housing. I swear to god he never owned it when we co-habitated, and that's as valuable as our current jesus-freak president taking an oath on the bible. ;)

Of course, I'm supposed to use this thing to weigh chicken, turkey, (gags) fish (because IT SMELLS LIKE PUSSY IF ITS NOT SUPER-FRESH-WHICH-DOES-NOT-HAPPEN-IN-PHOENIX AND THAT AIN'T MY THING) or whatever. But it is accurate.

Moore's law (google it you dipshit I don't have time to explain it to the 'tards who haven't kept up with buzzwords) applies to scales as well. The accuracy this thing has used to cost five hundred bucks twenty years ago. Now it cost about USD$25. (I mean, even the far-devalued Bush/Cheney/Condi-era dollars!)

TOILET PAPER might actually be a better currency investment than dollars these days.

However, I haven't quite gotten past the suicide-vs.-retirement decision (oh sorry to upset you, I meant euthanasia) so my portfolio isn't as balanced as it should be.

I was truly SHOCKED at the plastic mailer that arrived in the box: Roomba is a vacuum-cleaner-meets-robot for the lazy. It scared the CRAP (literally) out of my dog... but now they sort of co-exist. It was a pack of filters for the Roomba plus this super accurate food scale. And along with it, courtesy of Amazon... this plastic self sealing mailer you're supposed to put old cellphones in "for the troops."

THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR THE ENVIRONMENT IS TO SHITCAN THIS MAILER!

95% of cellphones sold in the USA in the last 10 years will not work in the rest of the world. The USA DOES NOT follow world standards! So if you think for a second that your old cellphone is actually going to go to some poor bastard who VOLUNTEERED to be part of the World Police, er, US Military - your family was either REALLY POOR (i.e. you joined up or took a Wal-Mart McJob) or you thought your dad's post-Korea or Vietnam ideas made sense. (dumbass....)

A year ago I would have solidly recommended you donate your old cellphone to a domestic-violence crisis center. Now, not so much. The execufucktards that run those organizations have been told that Donating Old Cellphones Generates Revenue.

Find out how your local authorities want you to treat household hazardous waste (unless you live in Arizona where you will damn near literally be told - double-bag it and put it with the rest of your trash)

In other words, if you live in the USA your old cellphone is useless. Be VERY skeptical of any disposal scheme - I cannot recommend one. Be certain that if you ask your local government or a charity how best to get rid of it... odds are 90+ percent they will LIE to you. WHATEVER YOU DO - don't put it in a bag that looks like the one pictured. Your old phone IS toxic waste but don't let someone bullshit you into a "donation."