Late night USA cable TV - you have to check out "shop erotic!" just once if you get the Oxygen channel

These two very average women do this shop at home schtick.

They are very modestly dressed and are just completely deadpan about the items on offer:

Some examples -
Original Jack Rabbit 6 1/2" dong w/ Suction Cup and bonus "Pink Water"
10" dong with suction cup "that you can attach to the shower wall, a chair or wherever"
(Just don't stick it to the windshield of your car in California, suction cup attachments to the windshield are illegal. Suction cupped anywhere else in your car is probably fine...)
Loveclone Vibrating Stroker
Glow in the Dark Clone-a-Willy Kit "Make an exact vibrating rubber copy of any penis."

But a picture is worth thousands of words. Mostly safe for work...

Caribou Barbie (Palin) gets OWNED in Canada

From AP:
TORONTO - Sarah Palin unwittingly took a prank call Saturday from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy and telling her she would make a good president someday.

"Maybe in eight years," replies a laughing Palin.

The Republican vice presidential nominee discusses politics, the perils of hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney, and Sarkozy's "beautiful wife," in a recording of the six-minute call released Saturday and set to air Monday on a Quebec radio station.

Palin campaign spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt confirmed she had received the prank call.

"Governor Palin was mildly amused to learn that she had joined the ranks of heads of state, including President Sarkozy and other celebrities, in being targeted by these pranksters. C'est la vie," she said.

The call was made by a well-known Montreal comedy duo Marc-Antoine Audette and Sebastien Trudel. Known as the Masked Avengers, the two are notorious for prank calls to celebrities and heads of state.

Audette, posing as Sarkozy, speaks in an exaggerated French accent and drops ample hints that the conversation is a joke. But Palin seemingly does not pick up on them.

He tells Palin one of his favorite pastimes is hunting, also a passion of the 44-year-old Alaska governor.

"I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun," the fake Sarkozy says.

He proposes they go hunting together by helicopter, something he says he has never done.

"Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together while we're getting work done," Palin counters. "We can kill two birds with one stone that way."

The comedian jokes that they shouldn't bring Cheney along on the hunt, referring to the 2006 incident in which the vice-president shot and injured a friend while hunting quail.

"I'll be a careful shot," responds Palin.

Playing off the governor's much-mocked comment in an early television interview that she had insights into foreign policy because "you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska," the caller tells her: "You know we have a lot in common also, because ... from my house I can see Belgium."

She replies: "Well, see, we're right next door to different countries that we all need to be working with, yes."

When Audette refers to Canadian singer Steph Carse as Canada's prime minister, Palin replies: "Well, he's doing fine and yeah, when you come into a position underestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder." Canada's prime minister is Stephen Harper.

Palin praises Sarkozy throughout the call and also mentions his wife Carla Bruni, a model-turned-songwriter.

"You know, I look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your beautiful wife," Palin says. "Oh my goodness, you've added a lot of energy to your country with that beautiful family of yours."

The Sarkozy impersonator tells Palin his wife is "so hot in bed" and then informs her that Bruni has written a song for her about Joe the Plumber entitled "Du rouge a levres sur une cochonne" — which translates as "Lipstick on a Pig."

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama derided his Republican challenger John McCain's call for change in Washington as "lipstick on a pig," days after Palin made a lipstick joke at the Republican convention. The McCain-Palin campaign then released an ad implying Obama was calling Palin a pig with that remark.

The caller asks Palin if Joe the Plumber is her husband and adds: "We have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit."

He also tells the Alaska governor that he loved the "documentary" made about her and referred to a pornographic film with a Palin look-alike made by Hustler founder Larry Flynt.

She answers tentatively, "Ohh, good, thank you, yes."

The callers then reveal the prank and identify themselves and their radio station.

"Ohhh, have we been pranked?" Palin asks before handing the phone to an aide who ends the call.

Obama's campaign spokesman Robert Gibbs, commenting on the prank, said: "I'm glad we check out our calls before we hand the phone to Barack Obama."

Uniquely Arizona humor

There is a disclaimer posted below this joke to appease the easily-offended.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is inspecting his tent city jail one afternoon and notices that there are LOTS of pigeons flying about all the time. The tents are covered in pigeon shit and worse yet one of them shit on his Lexus. He's gotta do something. So of course he implements a temporary fix for the problem and puts the prisoners to work cleaning the roofs of the tents. It's a little extra laundry expense for their pink clothes but so what, it's only 112 degrees that day so it won't kill 'em. He's a great guy so everyone who volunteers gets an extra nearly-expired-bologna-product sandwich with their tray that night. Everybody wins right? But it doesn't solve the problem.

He gets on his county-paid-cell-phone with one of his biggest contributors. The buddy is in Honduras working on Joe's retirement program, er, anti-gang liason with the Honduran police. No matter, Maricopa County can pick up the tab for the international call. After they chat a couple ten minutes Joe finally asks for a recommendation about a pigeon exterminator. He gets the number, talks a few minutes more since hey, it's on the county's dime and then calls the exterminator.

The exterminator is a good guy, he's contributed a lot to Joe's campaigns. He says, "Joe, Maricopa County and its people have been really good to me over the 21 years I've lived here. My business has been better than I could ever imagine. So I'll tell you what - make you a deal. I will take care of your problem for FREE. HOWEVER this is an important part of the deal. You must NOT ask me any questions about my method or the price will be one million dollars."

Joe figures, hmm... FREE! When it's over I can issue a national press release about how I go to great lengths to save taxpayer dollars!

A couple days later Joe gets a call from one of his deputies at the jail. "JOE! You ain't gonna believe this but the pigeons are GONE! Oh, and by the way he sent a white guy to do the job so we didn't check immigration papers."

Joe says, "Oh, that's immaterial. You know this guy's on that list of businesses we don't check too much but -- hey, you are on your special cellphone the liberal media can't listen in on right?"

"Of course boss! It's one of these new phones from that high-tech Israeli company - is it true the FBI can't even hear us? Oh and can we get some new ones that don't have these... I don't know what the hell it is kinda lettering on the keys. It's impossible to text my girlfriend!"

"Uhm, I think its called hebrew or something. But you're asking me too many goddamn questions on the phone - get to the point. What happened?!"

"Well we didn't know what to think of it. He brought this ONE BRIGHT BLUE PIGEON in a cage. We weren't sure how to check up the bird's ass for drugs so we had him set up outside the perimeter fence. It scared away all those guys who are always running up to the fence and throwing those little packets over that the prisoners run like hell to grab and hide."

"Goddamn it," Joe said. "Well at least it was probably a few of the guys who don't donate to our Deputies for Kids program that got scared away but you gotta be careful about that so we don't lose money. But you're talking too goddamn much. What the fuck happened next?"

"Well, he opened the cage and the blue pigeon flew out. ALL OF THE OTHER PIGEONS SAW IT and they all flew in a big flock straight south. One of the deputies down south in Gila Bend saw the whole flock still headed south!"

"I'll be damned. And all the fuckin' pigeons are gone?"

"Yes SIR!"

"Ok thanks."

Joe grabs his regular phone and gets the exterminator on the line. "Buddy, I gotta tell you, we're amazed at the pigeon job. My deputies report they're 100% gone! But I have just one question..."

The guy cuts him off and says, "Joe! remember our deal! If I answer a question you're committing that Maricopa County is going to get a bill for a million bucks! Channel 15 and that goddamn weekly newspaper will be all over you and this is an election year!"

"Fuck it, " Joe says. "If you can help with this other problem I got, I will win re-election again by a landslide! I GOTTA KNOW! DO YOU HAVE ANY BLUE MEXICANS?"


Disclaimer:
I posted this with some hesitation because it could be misconstrued in several ways.

I've altered the joke (which I heard from a conservative person) so its not quite so local or so anti-democrat. It'll be just as funny (un-PC) and it's a real BIG local issue on both sides of the political fence. If you live in Phoenix for any length of time and drive a car any distance you will eventually be in an accident where it's hit and run. Might be hit and drive away, might be the driver abandons the car and runs away. This is due to our progressive laws (<--- sarcasm) that do not provide for undocumented immigrants to get drivers licenses or register vehicles or get insurance, but they pay cash for cars and risk it for everyone.

I have had one of these accidents and it cost me $300 out of pocket to fix - could have claimed part of it against my insurance but y'all know how THAT works. God forbid you should file a claim. So that's (one of the) reasons the joke is funny - but it's also more than a bit racist especially told in its original version. I have kept the punch line and the main element of the joke but I've otherwise edited it so much as to be unrecognizable, it'll just make it nationally recognizable and turn it around as anti-republican. I am NOT racist against anyone and I make no snap judgements about a person's status in a country based on their perceived nationality.

There may be other issues in here that don't appear to be funny -
#1, Why is the Maricopa County Sheriffs Office spending ANY money or time IN HONDURAS? It's been in the media... How is this a county sheriff's function? Wouldn't this be something done at an international level?

#2, it's an open secret that it's easy to stay high the whole time you're in tent city, you just gotta have a buddy run up to the fence and toss you the drugs while the too-few deputies aren't looking (or more likely paid to go on break).

Lastly, the bit about hebrew on cell phone buttons is entirely literary license and should not be construed as anti-semitic. Some of the highest quality and most secure microelectronics are created in Israel at offices of a company called NDS. If you subscribe to a satellite service branded DirecTV or SKY, you have Israeli technology attached to your TV: the smartcard in the receiver (which in plain language can both de- or re-activate your service for non-payment, controls which channels you receive and authorizes pay-per-view purchases) is made by NDS. At present (and for really the past few years) DirecTV and SKY branded services have not had the gigantic problems with signal theft that other encryption schemes continue to suffer.

Lastly, to my knowledge I am not making any credible accusations of illegality against Mr. Arpaio and his staff. Mr. Arpaio has chosen to make himself an internationally-known public figure and thus is fair game to poke some fun at.

As seen on TV: a uniquely USA phenomenon - some surgeons refuse elective surgeries to attornies

IT SERVES THE BASTARDS RIGHT!

I bought back into the market

I won't say what stocks, what prices, mum's the word. I treated my newly-minted investment account like a trip to Vegas and put a similar spending limit on it.

I have to train myself not to watch it every day - which would be easy if one of the stocks wasn't in merger talks. But nonetheless, I'm in for the near-to-long term.

It's like the great depression all over again - the press says "buy 'em while they're so low!"

The crash has not been like Argentina 2002. One bank I use got bought out by a bigger one - but no major changes yet. I'm already moving assets away. The only fallout is that I used that bank to pay my monthly Sky Mexico bill. I'd let my balance drop below the $USD equivalent of the MX peso debt I have with Sky. It just happened - I wanted my balance at that bank to be pretty damn LOW.

(BACKGROUND: I use Sky as Spanish-on-demand lessons on my TV. Sky legally cannot sell into the USA but it's a don't ask-don't tell situation because they want the US revenue. However, if I use a random debit card to pay Sky and then do a transaction in Phoenix a few minutes/hours later - both get flagged as fraud. It takes a half hour on the phone - at minimum - to straighten it all out! So last night - as my Sky bill was due - I called another CREDIT card provider and said - look, you're going to get a charge for a card-not-present transaction for 1,000 MX pesos but you might also see card-present transactions here in Phoenix tonight. They asked me more than ten questions to verify I was who I said I was - smooth sailing. The Mexican payment via Visa went thru and so did three other local transactions made an hour later.)

I'm setting up with yet a 3rd bank and make sure they know that one card-not-present transaction in MX pesos per month is "kosher."

Marathon runner has Alanis Morrissette moment - fastest time but the didn't WIN

From the Consumerist Blog, this "ironic" story...
There's a bit of a backlash brewing against Nike after the woman with the fastest time in the Nike Women's Marathon wasn't declared "the winner" because she wasn't among the elite group of marathon runners who start separately from the rest of the pack.

Arien O'Connell, a fifth-grade teacher from New York City, had the best time in last Sunday's marathon, in fact, she beat the next best time by 11 minutes. So why isn't she the winner?

From SFGate:
In the statement, Nike officials said that "because of their earlier start time, the runners in the elite group had no knowledge of the outstanding race Arien was running and could not adjust their strategies accordingly."

Weary of the backlash growing against them, Nike declared Ms. O'Conell "a winner." Not "the winner." This appears to have made things worse.

It turns out that there was really no need for an elite group of runners, because no one was running an "elite" time.

Isn't it IRONIC? Don't you think?

From SFGate:
...the Nike marathon in San Francisco doesn't have anyone running a world-class time - which would be something around 2 hours and 20 minutes - for the 26.2-mile course. Only O'Connell broke 3 hours - and she'd never done it before.

"I think that's what it comes down to," O'Connell said. "There is not a real definition of what it means to be in an elite field."

That's where the Nike event got in trouble. If it had recognized that there was no need for an elite pack, and everyone had lined up and run, the fastest time would have been the winner. No argument.

In fact, that was the other part of Nike's announcement Wednesday.
"Learning from the unique experience in this year's race," it said. "Nike has decided today to eliminate the elite group from future Nike Women's Marathons. Next year, all runners will run in the same group, and all will be able to win."

The brazilians are here - Pare de Sufrir is in central Phoenix!

I could not believe the sight. I certainly don't believe their ideology.

Late at night all over South America this group buys (bought? I don't know, it was a couple of years ago) TV time to draw people in. Generally anything having to do with the christian religion is a turn-off, but this group was just so wacky with what they'd do to draw people to their "churches" I would sometimes be curious about what they were promising NEXT. Besides, it was a challenge to understand the thickly-Brazilian-accented Spanish they spoke. The best thing they had on offer was "blessed soap" to wash your sins away.

It was SO surprising to see their logo on a building downtown. A, um, modified version of their logo ;) is part of this posting. I like the modified version a little better since it more accurately represents what they do.

You can't make this s**t up!

In this morning's paper (along with other atrocities to the senses, see the earlier post) there was an article about a guy suing a restaurant in Chicago because he claims he was infected with a tapeworm parasite there.

After seeing the funeral pictures I was feeling... I don't know what, really.

The article said (in part)
"A man who contends he got a 9-foot tapeworm after eating undercooked fish has sued a Chicago restaurant.

In the lawsuit filed Monday, Anthony Franz said he ordered salmon salad for lunch from (name of very-well-known Chicago seafood restaurant) in 2006 and fell violently ill. He later passed the giant parasite, which a pathologist determined came from undercooked fish, such as salmon."

I could not help but comment. In the USA this could well be used (hell, even approved and marketed) as a weight loss product.

My comment read: "Now all the girls in North Scottsdale are gonna want one. It'll be the new botox. You go to your doctor's office, eat a special plate of sushi and blam-o you've got a little friend in your gut that allows you to eat all the nasty fast food you want and still stay thin. Every year afterwards you go back in for laparoscopic surgery to remove your KFC-buddy and in the recovery room, another plate of special sushi.

I can't wait to see how the drug reps market it and what kind of pretty name they give the worm. Imagine the TV commercials!"

It was total through-the-looking-glass-after-having-seen-a-pimped-out-dead-body-before-breakfast fiction. Sounded funny at the time but who knew the response it would get... A woman wrote me and confirmed that while it may not be on the open market, it's already available. Read on:

By (kept anonymous) ".... (my username on the site deleted): They already do such a thing. It's pretty underground but you can buy the parasite overseas and use it. I've seen the delivery of such parasite and then seen it be used and then watched as HE daily ate like a pig and lost weight. Then went to the doctor, said he had visited a foreign country and got a pill to get rid of it. And it was a man, not a woman who did it. Gross."

Holy shit. I suppose it's one of those coincidences like "I have the same birthday!" that another human being could imagine and actually act upon using a parasite as a weight loss tool. I think it was 25 minutes at least before I stopped laughing at the response.

USA funerals, ghetto-style

I cannot in good conscience post the pictures seen in the paper. It would be disrespect for the dead and I'd rather leave that on AP's collective karma!

A google search for "san juan wake standing up" will probably locate the pictures. If you're reading on your lunch hour - eat first, eat after or (god help you if you can) eat DURING.

The dude is propped up in the corner of his mom's living room in a stylized NY Yankees hat, Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, layered T-shirts and jeans. His body had been found "under a bridge," as the local version of the article says.

I feel for the family's loss, from the heart. However, I don't know what they were thinking when they let the press take pictures. The poor guy will be (indelibly) remembered by millions.

jesus freak funeral protestors turned away at the Canadian border - but supposedly not all of them :( ...

I won't mention the website name that these idiots from Topeka run. I hope the second group get their asses kicked, then charged, then deported. This is a sad footnote to a gruesome story that got little press in the USA.

In short, an innocent "nice guy" was beheaded by a crazy guy on a Greyhound bus in the province of Manitoba. For the geographically challenged, Manitoba is above northwest Minnesota and North Dakota.

Google it for more details - it's too disgusting and depressing.

Beheading victim protesters stopped
Winnipeggers urge action against U.S. sect planning McLean funeral picket
By SIMON FULLER, SUN MEDIA
The Winnipeg Sun

Members of a controversial U.S.-based church hoping to picket the funeral of beheading victim Tim McLean Jr. were turned away at the Canadian border by officials yesterday.

The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, Kan., announced Wednesday it planned to protest the funeral, to be held tomorrow afternoon at Westwood Community Church. But church spokeswoman Shirley Phelps-Roper, daughter of church pastor Fred Phelps, confirmed last night one "team" of pickets were turned away at the Canadian border yesterday.

However, she said a second team was "on course" to arrive in Winnipeg in time for tomorrow's funeral.

"The only way they won't get through is if they are strip-searched and they find Westboro Baptist Church tattoos on their butts," said Phelps-Roper, who previously told the Winnipeg Sun McLean's "filthy ways" brought wrath upon his head.

If they do make it across the border, angry Winnipeggers are ready to confront them. Several Winnipeggers outraged by news the funeral for McLean, who was beheaded and partially eaten on a Greyhound bus west of Portage la Prairie last week, are planning to block the group from getting anywhere close to funeral-goers.

By early last night, a Facebook group devoted to the idea had swelled to almost 200 people.

"Everything they say is bizarre and off the wall and it's totally disrespectful to invade a funeral," said Winnipeg student Amalia Slobogian, 26, who joined the group after reading about the church's plans.

"When I first heard this, I was very angry. Freedom of speech is one thing, but imposing this at a funeral is totally inappropriate."

Pat Martin, the NDP MP for Winnipeg Centre, agreed.

"These guys are lunatics," said Martin.

"They're not baptists -- Tommy Douglas was a baptist."

Martin said there could be an "absolute melee at the church" if the picket goes ahead. If so, the folks from Kansas should be prepared for some "northern hospitality," he said.

Speaking from Ottawa, Martin said yesterday afternoon he had urged Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day and Immigration Minister Diane Finley to block the church's passage into Canada.

"They treated my concerns with absolute decency and respect," he said. "This is not a partisan issue and it goes beyond political stripes -- it's about common decency."

Slobogian said the controversial church -- whose members believe God is punishing people and nations who accept homosexuality -- is just trying to get publicity.

"They're just a tiny sect looking for attention and notoriety. It would torture them if people didn't hit their website," she said.

Slobogian said the anticipated protesters will not be met with violence or placards, just a human barricade to separate them from funeral guests.

A Winnipeg police spokeswoman said the protest would not violate any hate laws, but officers have the ability to lay charges depending on what happens tomorrow.

She said charges can be laid under the provincial Cemeteries Act if anyone wilfully and unlawfully disturbs people assembled "for the purpose of burying a body."

Vince Weiguang Li has been charged with second-degree murder in McLean's death. He is currently undergoing a psychiatric assessment to determine if he is fit to stand trial and is scheduled to appear in court again on Sept. 8.

---

WHAT IS WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH?

WHO: Westboro Baptist Church

WHAT: Headed by disbarred lawyer Fred Phelps, the church has 71 members, 60 of whom are reportedly related to Phelps through blood, marriage or both. It is not associated with any known Baptist conventions or associations.

WHERE: Based in Topeka, Kan.

WHEN: First public service was held on Nov. 27, 1955.

WHY: Followers believe God views homosexuality as the ultimate sin. As a result, any community or nation accepting of the "homosexual agenda" is hated by God, and bad things that happen to its citizens are signs of His work.

LOWLIGHTS: Members have picketed funerals of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq and the memorial for victims of the Sago Mine disaster in West Virginia ... Members have praised such things as AIDS and the 9/11 terror attacks ... Made several racial and anti-Semitic statements.

TD Canada Trust - a/k/a Tittybank

I spent the weekend in Toronto. I have lots more to write about it but too tired now. This (or rather, these) had to see the light of day.

My friend banks at TD Canada Trust. After I saw their marketing material - they should change their name to Tittybank.

So we're standing in front of a teller and she's doing the transaction - and this marketing piece literally POPPED out at me. For shit's sake you can see the nipples!

I said to my friend, "Holy shit look at this, what bad taste! You know that these float in the hot tub or someone got bored with photoshop or something."

"I think its photoshop," he said.

"Mmmmm - I'm not so sure... whoever photoshopped it would have had to have left such definite nipples."

She asked if I was American. I admitted it ;) which I don't often do abroad. She said, I'm glad you think its gross - here, take the whole lot back to the states and get 'em out of my sight.

My friend was quite shocked when I giggled and put the whole STACK (hahah) 23 of them in my pocket. 21 made it back to Phoenix because he asked for two of 'em when we walked out of the bank.

Remember, you can click on the picture to make it (cough) larger.

Whip it good. In court, no less.

80's wonder-band Devo is suing McDonald's over a happy meal toy.

Only in America would a band whose only play is on VH-1 sue over something in the now. I'm hard-pressed to think what they are protecting...

We live in the short term and hope for the best

If it sounds vaguely familiar its a Scottish band that never escaped obscurity. Finitribe. The song? Forevergreen.

Why on earth does it interest me? Well, three reasons...

(1) somehow by coincidence I'd gotten hold of this cassette tape whilst I was 13 years old and delivering newspapers to make spending money....

(2) "We live in the short term and hope for the best" --- that was the utopian vision of that track from years ago.
If that wasn't what the whole goddamn last week was about, I just don't know how else to describe it....

(3) Somehow it connected the dots to Enya's Orinoco Flow track. I know its years later but in the timeline of my life its all a mishmash... Because damn it, I had to take a phone call from Venezuela in Montevideo. And that phone call underlined that "We live in the short term and hope for the best" is total bullshit.

Yes... utopian visions can be total bullshit.

The lyrics by themselves do not do it justice.

FOREVERGREEN

"People used to dream about the future.
They thought there was no limits to progress."

"And in warmer seas are new realms of pleasure!"

"They dreamed of a clean, bright future,
where science make everything possible
and everybody better off."

"A weekend, if you wish, in Hotel Atlantis!"

"But somewhere along the line that future got cancelled."

Moving on a linear express
to a levitation disc
to Technopolis Town
Which is evergreen, this is forevergreen
From a lap top via a satellite disc
A Buddhist gong is sent to catch our fish
Under the ocean in our sea
Out with the mean, in with the green

"Teletopia...Technopolis...Marinopolis...Aquatopia... Seatopia...Aeropolis...Alice City...Geofront..."

The sun is rising on a linear express
there is a smell of sweet success
Fuzzy logic, there is no no life on a cloud
It's time to be proud
Fuzzy logic, there is no yes
Intelligence here is under duress
No sound, there is no wind
In our big wonderland

"Now being built, Millenium Tower out at the sea of Tokyo Bay,
soon to be followed by Aeropolis, another tower city, 6000 feet tall,
whose inhabitants commute vertically, by elevators through the clouds.
They lead the West in computers, robotics, superconducters and new material."


Moving on a linear express
to a levitation disc to Technopolis Town
Which is evergreen this is forevergreen
Evergreen, forevergreen
Evergreen, forevergreen

"We live in the short term, and hope for the best" "Glad you came"
"And hope for the best" "Glad you came"

I've shamelessly snatched another description of the track from here:
'Forevergreen' is a song by Scottish indie/techno band Finitribe, released in 1992 on the One Little Indian album 'An Unexpected Groovy Treat'. It was released in many different remixed forms as a single and is their most famous tune, although it did not chart anywhere and the group is willfully obscure to this day. Culturally, it belongs to the early-90s pre-dot.com 'Wired' magazine techno-virtual reality ambient William Gibson's 'Neuromancer' transhumanist fractal crop circle pre-X Files UFO-obsessed goatsucker Schwa-inspired etc, although it was a joke at the expense of all these things.

Musically it's a dated but charming techno-pop song, similar in style to the earlier work of labelmates The Shamen, but thankfully without Mr C. The lyrics - 'moving on a linear express, to a levitation disc in technopolis town, which is evergreen, this is forevergreen' - are a sardonic reflection on the pagan-techno-utopianism of the times; Finitribe's political sensibilities were much more down to earth than their contemporaries, such as The Shamen again. At a time when the latter were bleating about the shamanistic consciousness of the metasphere (cf. 'Re:Evolution'), Finitribe were moaning about hubris. Their previous album, 'Grossing 10K', had contained counterblastes against McDonalds and consumerism in general, all of which is forgivable as the band were and remain Scottish, both genetically and as a state of mind.

The song contains a list of futuristic construction projects, read in a Californian voice, which are or were genuine developments in and around Tokyo and Oita. 'Alice City' was to have been a large drum-shaped underground city which could generate its own power with special magnets, whilst 'Aeropolis' and 'Millenium Tower' were plans for massive, imposing skyscrapers which resembled something from the Imperial homeworld Coruscant, the latter by Sir Norman Foster. All of them would have been opening just about now if the Japanese real-estate crash hadn't led to them all being cancelled. Each would have housed 30-40,000 people; presumably they would now have to be armed with missiles.

'Teletopia' is an exception - it was a government programme dating from 1985 to create 'new media' cities, with digital telephone, cable lines and wireless communication. It is apparently still in operation and has been quite a success.

The song is packed with curious samples, inlcuding no less than Foghorn Leghorn. It opens with an English lady announcer whose monologue, revealed in full in one of the 12" mixes, read:

"People used to dream about the future. They thought there was no limit to progress. They dreamed of a clean, bright future, where science would make everything possible, and everybody better off. But somewhere along the line that future got cancelled."

The recurring 'and in warmer seas are new realms of pleasure' is an item of dialogue from the narration for General Motors' Futurama exhibit from the 1964 World's Fair, perhaps the last time people actually did used to dream about the future. Five years later the future happened, Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and now most people do not dream about the future at all.

The album from which 'Forevergreen' came was plastered with excerpts from 'The Name of the Rose', 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service', old Yosemite Sam cartoons and others. 'People Used to Dream About the Future' is now a fashion label; their website offers both a t-shirt and a sweatshirt.

AT&T customer "reprimanded" for posting exec customer service number

...i.e. one of the few they don't have answered in India.

Many AT&T wanna-be customers (god only knows why...) received empty bags instead of phones. When he posted the telephone number of the AT&T office of the president in a heavily moderated AT&T customer non-service site...

That number is 877-734-0766 -- and FUCK YOU AT&T I will not take it down. Just change it. The consumers will get the new one and 'round and 'round it goes.

"
Hello,

We'd like to ask that you not post contact info for the Office of the President in posts or PMs until an AT&T moderator can PM you. Failure to follow moderator directions can result in loss of posting privileges.

regards
"

I LOATHE the AT&T deathstar. They kill everything they touch and providing customer service cannot possibly be even the 10th or 20th priority in their business plan. I personally stopped doing business with them FOREVER in 1994. CIAO!

OMFG

Wow, um, that previous post was a lulu. SO much information there.

I've considered editing it, but I'm not ashamed of having done it. Every human has impulses and fantasies - and living that one ... I was really ok with that.

Heathers and swordfights

Remember Heathers:

Open this in a second tab: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097493/


Also known as:
Lethal Attraction Germany (TV title) / USA (working title)
Atração Mortal Brazil
Escuela de jóvenes asesinos Spain
Fatal Game USA (working title)
Fatal Games France
Häxor, läxor och dödliga lektioner Sweden
Heathers Germany (video title)
Malkot Ha-Keata Israel (Hebrew title)
Série noire au campus Canada (French title)
Schegge di follia Italy
Westerberg High USA (working title)

I've changed their names to protect their identities. Ashley and Andy both of 'em Brits HAD A SWORDFIGHT IN MY MOUTH.



There were differences from the movie:
a) they did not kill each other
b) no it wasn't me either but it um, was.. my mouth
c) actually no one got killed the two of them just um, released (but by agreement their release was completely outside of me :)
d) we hung out for 45 minutes afterwards and both of 'em confirmed they really wanted to do that (um, duh with names like that - they ARE more than best friends)
e) i cannot describe what a swordfight may or may not have been but for a consulting fee I will reveal 99% of details to straight porn producer who can prove that's really his vocation

Ok kids. Swordfights can cause thirst, specially if your door is locked. Much like cetain 80's tracks - this is equally as disruptive (but generally better than) A Birdhouse in Your Soul

I

up and down - and I ain't talkin about the Vengaboys

Wow is it raining today. That means short circuits on the power grid. So when I saw that the power is up and down - its up and down more often than a Filipina prostitute near a navy base.

But you deal.

When the power is off, there is no water. Electric pumps. The hotel has their wifi stuff on a battery so you get just enough time to tell your chat partners: power cut again see ya later.

There was a brit couple in the next room that FLIPPED OUT this morning at breakfast about the power cuts, possible road flooding - they actually thought they were safer in San Jose.

Poor bastards. It just isn't so. They mistanslated what the woman helpfully tried to tell them and reacted based on that. And who the fuck am I to correct that perception?!

So it's mildly annoying. The power cuts last (so far) more often than 1.5 hours and I've got a really good book from the hotel library!

All the neato electrical stuff stops working and you just have to light a candle. Here's an example. See above.

a Spanish-speaking reader enlightens us on PQ no te callas..........

Sorry - if English is your only language, just pass this over. If you understand Spanish and a tiny bit about how Spain's former colonies interact with her (in this day and age) this video CAN make a lot of sense.

Ok if you got lost at "former colonies interact," you're probably American. It's OK, so am I. It took me years to learn this part of history which is explicitly NOT taught in our school. Think of it another way - the US and Canada are former colonies of the UK. Both countries have enhanced ties because of that. It's really not too much different in well, about 80% of the Latino world which used to but no longer Venezuela, Colombia pays lip-service and the Panamanian USA-seal-of-approval (really not sure but this is what i expect) pupped government all ago along and act sort of clique-ish at this meeting the King of Spain attends - annually.

There's more information but it would take more than 3 seconds of video (which I will embed anyway) to fully explain... Watch it with a hispanic friend who keeps up with news from down south - then ask him to explain why he is laughing so hard afterwards.



Listen for the bald dude askng (exasperated) - POR QUE NO TE CALLAS. I *so* agree with the king of Spain.

This was a hot story that did not quite carry over from the Latin Press to the North American. Maybe it got a little coverage out of Ottawa (Canada) and her cable/TV/news nets but CNN and FOX have been pretty silent about the story save to cover it negatively - as in "Venezuelan rebel may nationaize oil company (CITGO) becuase it would distract the American public from feelng scared ...

Scared for whom exactly:?! Their wallets. It's a great way to make this idiot Venezuelan responsible (in the minds of the American populace that he is responsible) 100% for the higher gas/diesel/heating oil costs. And by the time it all filters thru the translation - well everyone knows what the message is expected to be.

Nevermind in the last two years ACTUAL CARS became economically accessible to Indian and Chinese citizens and eight lane (each way) highways of international quality opened between major Chinese cities.

Ever think their global thirst for gasoline might just possibly have an effect?

Point is: Chavez is an idiot but he should not be a scapegoat. Nor should the Indian or Chinese citizens with their new cars.

As the international level of development rises... the USA just might stay slightly ahead and still have that certain je ne sais quois about its economy pushing it along. Or it might not. A 3rd term for Bush (McCain) could well seal our fate.

Yes, WHEN (not IF, I pray) I pray I can vote democrat for Obama. Obama is a washington outsider who will disturb a lot of establised corruption patterns. Hillary will maintain some that are convenient.

McCain? Status fuckin' quo. Your vote for ?McCain in November is sealing the country's fate for the deaths/maimings of thousands of American soldiers who do not deserve to have that happen since the whole premise of entering Iraq is/was a big damn lie. Never was a Saddam Hussein/Al Queda connection!!!!! Saddam never really had weapons of mass destruction.

Bush/Cheney/Rove/Rice are 100% responsible for all the blood. May they get their karmic justice. Do not perpetrate all the blood that will spill from young american servicemen (or has alread spilled). Do not vote 3rd party to be a rebel -dammit get real we are a 2-party system and that changes from the local level UPWARDS and not with these so called "independent" (snorts, my ass... a printout of their stock portfolio would show what flavor of independent they are). It produces 15 second news item on the fear channels when the indpendents give campain speeches.

Please do not vote based on what you see on the fear channels. Vote carefully. Vote an absentee ballot that will not be passed through a Diebold voting machine. Ensure your voice is counted, whatever it is!

We should pull out of the middle east entirely and SEE for ourselves how the billions of dollars poured into propping up the state of Israel really work out in our absence. I bet they do ok - and if not, well, we tried but then changed priorities to make our internal programs like education more important. I pray that that happens.

the obligatory posting about cellphones

I don't go a week without posting perhaps multiple times about cellphones. I'm a mobile phone junkie. (If/when I ever get brain cancer, the news will appear first, but those of you who've known me for a really long time know goddamn right well that the primary risk factor that lit the fuse on the cancer just might not be radio waves.)

But I am on vacation. And aptly, in the location where I am at: there is zero cellphone coverage. I would have to walk 1km from here to see even a hint of a signal. No TDMA (yes, some antique technology is still used here) and no GSM. In the center of the nearest town both phones show full bars. But just a few KM away - the tropical foliage does a kick-ass job of attenuating the signal, so both gadgets are useless here.

How am I posting? Hotel has wifi. How they connect to the internet, I don't give a damn. I can even phone from here, my room with no phone, using skype. The local internet mafia appears to have given up (at least for now) on harassing us rebels who use internet to send our overly-self-important (yes, at times but this should come as no surprise to frequent readers...) verbal opinions across international borders at dirt-cheap rates.

Andrew Jackson, a Benjamin and the special prescriptions, or, a never-published Hardy Boys story

It is an open secret among my close friends that I choose to manage my anxiety with the help of certain Roche/Pfizer-branded things. And it really IS anxiety management - I know there are skeptics who are going to read this and say: "You were just an addict getting your fix." No, not so much.

YOU try running your own business and living your life. Eventually you're going to drink, find god or take a calm-me-down pill.

YES, the calm-me-down pills CAN be addictive. But the first two will probably do you a lot more harm...

In some countries these prescriptions have distinctive colors or security features. I will not say what color the special prescriptions are so as to protect the ... well I won't say "guilty" but "involved" will do fine.

I just didn't want to waste a day or half a day finding a pharmacist that could refer me to a doctor's office, or ask a cab driver for a recommendation or whatever. I was staying at a swank place recently (British readers I said SWank, get yer mind out the gutter ya wankers). I went to the concierge and tipped him twenty bucks before even speaking about WHY. I said to him (mostly in his native language - ) "...for every problem there is a solution." I showed him my near-empty non-USA-branded product packages. "I'm going to get the legal paperwork for this country to buy more of this stuff before the end of the day, no matter what. If it's with your help, it will save me time. But it is going to happen no matter whether you get involved or not. You really shouldn't feel guilty because I don't. Now here are the brand names, chemical agents and their dosages. Please find me a doctor that will skip the office visit and just sign the damn document.

An hour later my local cellular phone number rang. (Kids, some sage advice: if you're in a foreign land and speak the local language well enough to talk on the phone - get your damn self a local mobile number no matter HOW you have to do it because it will probably immeasurably change your life.)

Depending on which country you're in it (the phone transaction or use thereof) may also immeasurably drain your wallet, but that's a whole other topic. I digress....

It was the concierge. "I found someone!" He actually sounded surprised. I'm sure he'd made some calls and heard "Not no but hell no" a few times. But he succeeded and that's what counts. Power of positive thinking... you can't discount it. It was like the movie "The Secret," except I had decided: I AM going to buy those pills. Positive thinking!

He went on to tell me, "... but the guy wants to ask you a few questions over the phone." OK, I have no problem with this.

I will take the details of my conversation with that duly-licensed medical professional to my grave.

So it wound up that a hundred bucks (that's where Benjamin enters the saga - this ain't no bible story and it sure as shit doesn't have anything to do with Hebrew School) went into an envelope to pay for the "medical consultation" that I'd gotten in... well it took between 90 and 600 seconds on the phone. You guess which, I'm not gonna fuckin' tell. Tough. I left the envelope with the concierge and went off to do other things.

Yes, just other things. I share a lot with my readers but I will not share in this context what those other things may or may not have been. I was "busy." Read that entirely as you will. Those of you who have read this blog know full well that the writer isn't overly-concerned about your judgments or opinions. Well, some of you the latter...

(Especially those of you who've been telling me over and over for the last six months: YOU NEED TO GET LAID, DUDE! The jury is still out on that question, but I'm 90% certain you were right.)

So I returned to my hotel room and there was an envelope with duly-authorized prescription documents appropriate for that country - basically confirming that that medical professional concurred with my opinions about anxiety management!

I have to admit though... I laughed like hell at how quickly it all worked out. Props for:
* the power of positive thinking
* the TRUTH behind the statement "if you don't ask, you don't get."

And for those of you that read this far (thanks) - you might be wondering why this was a never-published Hardy Boys story. Surely the author of those stories wouldn't ever conceive of doing something quite so ghastly. But maybe... If either of the Hardy Boys ever abused these pills I assure you they might have just passed dead out. There have been plenty of stories in which they were drugged. This class of drugs would not be a villain's first or second choice (what I bought does NOT rhyme with "poofy"). OR - and this is pure speculation - maybe they WERE (however implausibly) drugged and then realized they'd both gotten cornholed pretty good so they agreed never to tell the story. Choose your own ending there.

I crack myself up. (Adopts Beavis and Butthead tone of voice) "He just said cornholed and ending all in the same breath. Heheheehhehehh."