How NOT to welcome your new co-workers to Web two dot oh land

This is an obviously edited version of an email that actually circulated within a Web 2.0 company that we'll call Widgets ;) The author got the ax.

"First off let me personally welcome you to the Glendale office of Widgets. You obviously decided to go with the lowest paying job on the west side so for that I must say, NICE JOB! With five or six hard years of work at Widgets, maybe some day you too can make exactly what you did the day you started. Allow me to acquaint you with your co-workers. I realize coming into a new company is tough, so I'd like to give you a run down of the others around you as I'm sure this will help you acclimate nicely.

Tootie: Very nice girl but she has a severe David Hasselhoff fetish (we are trying to get her committed but we can't find a straight jacket small enough.)

Dave: Jo, watch out for this guy... he is do damn handsome that I think half the guys in the accounting department have asked him out... seriously. He is straight but I'm not sure about anyone in the accounting department. :)

That Marshall Mathers dude: Just stay away from him. If stupid people did not live among us... well, he would not be here for a start.

Natalie: Loves bad language, feel free to swear around her constantly. Likes the taste of soap... go figure.

George (Jefferson): He is the BOSS, if you say hi to him you might get fired. I don't recommend any contact at all (you have been warned)

Maude: We fired her three months ago and she still keeps coming in... can't figure out why? (she looked at George cross-eyed)

Willis: In charge of hazing all new employees. Enjoys new employees paying for all his drinks at happy hour. (yes, Einstein, this is a hint).

Again, welcome to Widgets and feel free to come back to the accounting department at any time if you need anything at all (like recommendations on where they serve the coldest beer at lunch time).

Best, Willis Drummond
Vice President of Refunds