Goldfish racing hosted by beavis, attended by muffy and biff

Ok so we were in old town Snottsdale this evening. Actually it was a block from the office... I was with some co-workers who'd decided it'd be fun to do this.

Now the rules they post on their flyer should give you some idea of how highbrow this experience was.

Rule 1. Put your racing name on the bottom line and give this form to the host... (Beavis)

Rule 2. The first contestant drawn from a hat and the best squirt gun, use the bathroom sink to fill your gun. (Beavis recommended that the guns not be filled with beer or urine)

Rule 3. Take your gun and goldfish back to your table and train your fish. Don't fuck or hurt the lil' dude. Please refrain from eating him also...
The patrons in this bar were definitely capable of all of these things. Muffy and muffy and muffy and muffy and biff et al were generally pretty ripped. Fun to watch.

Rule 4. You will be called up to the fish track to race against another fish and his trainer. You get speed out of the fish by squirting him in the ass with your squirt gun. Please do not act like assholes and squirt each other.

Rule 5. Whoever wins the race will be passed on to the next heat. The looser (sic) is eliminated. This elimination goes on until the fastest fish is found...
What they don't tell you is that girls can lose the race and show Beavis (the emmcee, with the intelligence of Beavis and Butthead combined and the deep respect for women of Andrew Dice Clay) their tits. Two sluts, er, women, did display their tits to Beavis in exchange for favorable treatment in the competition.

Rule 6. The final fastest fish's trainer will be put into the cash blowing machine to grab as much cash as they can and push it out a little hole on the side... what is pushed out and counted is used to pay their bar tab, so sign up now!

At the bottom of the rule sheet you give your fish a name.

I called mine Moby. It's an inside joke my co-workers can appreciate.

You're supposed to squirt the fish with the squirt gun but you can totally cheat and just use the squirt gun barrel in the water to create a wave that pushes the fish from one end of the "race course" (actually just a couple of lengths of rain gutter fastened together and propped up on chairs).

Now to set the scene... they do another game at this bar called wheel of fearfactor - they not only have an applause light but another light with the word PUSSY that I assume has some use during the game. They also have a stripper pole that female patrons are encouraged to make use of, much like a Jerry Springer pay-per-view.

Now the emcee, Beavis, has a microphone and another fun prop: a fishing rod with a big old dildo on the end. Beavis emcees and referees the races and all female contestants have to contend with this largish dildo in their face. The more the woman shies away from the dildo, the more "fun" Beavis has with her. It's amusing for about five minutes but after that it just grinds.

There was some other entertainment - the people at the next table were quite obviously offended by the show. Um, HELLO? Does the big sign that says PUSSY up by the stage not give you a little hint? How about that sage admonition NOT to fuck the fish?

Fortunately, the establishment does not provide black tape and this is one reason not to try to fuck the fish. Also as a practical matter the fish provided is not all that large so you'd have to be substantially underendowed. Also minimizing the risk of fish being fucked is that in downtown Scottsdale the crowd has few asian males that generally fit that category. (Note that that's not a racist statement, it's from my own experience visiting bathhouses and saunas all over the US, Western Europe and Argentina. One notices trends. Girls, if you want to FEEEEL the earth move - date an Italian for example because they generally are hung like horses.)

But I digress. So Beavis dangled the dildo in front of all the girls, a couple of the Muffys showed Beavis their tits so he'd overlook them losing the race. It was all very lowbrow.

One of the people I was with made a comment about how degrading it all was for the women. While I agreed, I can't shed many tears. When I go into a gay bar I'm equally objectified. Besides, guys like Beavis who puff up like that, make fag jokes, etc. are often some of the most submissive bottoms in bed - with another guy.

I didn't find it at all offensive, just lowbrow. Very little offends me.

It was also the first time I've been good at some bar activity. I can't shoot pool to save my life, I'm dangerous with darts - but getting a fish from one end of a gutter to another ---- this I can do. I raced three times and lost the 3rd race - had I won it, I'd have been in the final round with a chance to win a $25 gift certificate. (Yup, they ain't got no cash blowing machine, the only blowing machine I saw was the girl with the big-ass implants.)

The only other pitfall is while you're watching the Muffys doing one shot after another and showing off their implants, you really have to be careful not to drink the water out of the cup where your fish is. :)