Uniquely Arizona humor

There is a disclaimer posted below this joke to appease the easily-offended.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is inspecting his tent city jail one afternoon and notices that there are LOTS of pigeons flying about all the time. The tents are covered in pigeon shit and worse yet one of them shit on his Lexus. He's gotta do something. So of course he implements a temporary fix for the problem and puts the prisoners to work cleaning the roofs of the tents. It's a little extra laundry expense for their pink clothes but so what, it's only 112 degrees that day so it won't kill 'em. He's a great guy so everyone who volunteers gets an extra nearly-expired-bologna-product sandwich with their tray that night. Everybody wins right? But it doesn't solve the problem.

He gets on his county-paid-cell-phone with one of his biggest contributors. The buddy is in Honduras working on Joe's retirement program, er, anti-gang liason with the Honduran police. No matter, Maricopa County can pick up the tab for the international call. After they chat a couple ten minutes Joe finally asks for a recommendation about a pigeon exterminator. He gets the number, talks a few minutes more since hey, it's on the county's dime and then calls the exterminator.

The exterminator is a good guy, he's contributed a lot to Joe's campaigns. He says, "Joe, Maricopa County and its people have been really good to me over the 21 years I've lived here. My business has been better than I could ever imagine. So I'll tell you what - make you a deal. I will take care of your problem for FREE. HOWEVER this is an important part of the deal. You must NOT ask me any questions about my method or the price will be one million dollars."

Joe figures, hmm... FREE! When it's over I can issue a national press release about how I go to great lengths to save taxpayer dollars!

A couple days later Joe gets a call from one of his deputies at the jail. "JOE! You ain't gonna believe this but the pigeons are GONE! Oh, and by the way he sent a white guy to do the job so we didn't check immigration papers."

Joe says, "Oh, that's immaterial. You know this guy's on that list of businesses we don't check too much but -- hey, you are on your special cellphone the liberal media can't listen in on right?"

"Of course boss! It's one of these new phones from that high-tech Israeli company - is it true the FBI can't even hear us? Oh and can we get some new ones that don't have these... I don't know what the hell it is kinda lettering on the keys. It's impossible to text my girlfriend!"

"Uhm, I think its called hebrew or something. But you're asking me too many goddamn questions on the phone - get to the point. What happened?!"

"Well we didn't know what to think of it. He brought this ONE BRIGHT BLUE PIGEON in a cage. We weren't sure how to check up the bird's ass for drugs so we had him set up outside the perimeter fence. It scared away all those guys who are always running up to the fence and throwing those little packets over that the prisoners run like hell to grab and hide."

"Goddamn it," Joe said. "Well at least it was probably a few of the guys who don't donate to our Deputies for Kids program that got scared away but you gotta be careful about that so we don't lose money. But you're talking too goddamn much. What the fuck happened next?"

"Well, he opened the cage and the blue pigeon flew out. ALL OF THE OTHER PIGEONS SAW IT and they all flew in a big flock straight south. One of the deputies down south in Gila Bend saw the whole flock still headed south!"

"I'll be damned. And all the fuckin' pigeons are gone?"

"Yes SIR!"

"Ok thanks."

Joe grabs his regular phone and gets the exterminator on the line. "Buddy, I gotta tell you, we're amazed at the pigeon job. My deputies report they're 100% gone! But I have just one question..."

The guy cuts him off and says, "Joe! remember our deal! If I answer a question you're committing that Maricopa County is going to get a bill for a million bucks! Channel 15 and that goddamn weekly newspaper will be all over you and this is an election year!"

"Fuck it, " Joe says. "If you can help with this other problem I got, I will win re-election again by a landslide! I GOTTA KNOW! DO YOU HAVE ANY BLUE MEXICANS?"


Disclaimer:
I posted this with some hesitation because it could be misconstrued in several ways.

I've altered the joke (which I heard from a conservative person) so its not quite so local or so anti-democrat. It'll be just as funny (un-PC) and it's a real BIG local issue on both sides of the political fence. If you live in Phoenix for any length of time and drive a car any distance you will eventually be in an accident where it's hit and run. Might be hit and drive away, might be the driver abandons the car and runs away. This is due to our progressive laws (<--- sarcasm) that do not provide for undocumented immigrants to get drivers licenses or register vehicles or get insurance, but they pay cash for cars and risk it for everyone.

I have had one of these accidents and it cost me $300 out of pocket to fix - could have claimed part of it against my insurance but y'all know how THAT works. God forbid you should file a claim. So that's (one of the) reasons the joke is funny - but it's also more than a bit racist especially told in its original version. I have kept the punch line and the main element of the joke but I've otherwise edited it so much as to be unrecognizable, it'll just make it nationally recognizable and turn it around as anti-republican. I am NOT racist against anyone and I make no snap judgements about a person's status in a country based on their perceived nationality.

There may be other issues in here that don't appear to be funny -
#1, Why is the Maricopa County Sheriffs Office spending ANY money or time IN HONDURAS? It's been in the media... How is this a county sheriff's function? Wouldn't this be something done at an international level?

#2, it's an open secret that it's easy to stay high the whole time you're in tent city, you just gotta have a buddy run up to the fence and toss you the drugs while the too-few deputies aren't looking (or more likely paid to go on break).

Lastly, the bit about hebrew on cell phone buttons is entirely literary license and should not be construed as anti-semitic. Some of the highest quality and most secure microelectronics are created in Israel at offices of a company called NDS. If you subscribe to a satellite service branded DirecTV or SKY, you have Israeli technology attached to your TV: the smartcard in the receiver (which in plain language can both de- or re-activate your service for non-payment, controls which channels you receive and authorizes pay-per-view purchases) is made by NDS. At present (and for really the past few years) DirecTV and SKY branded services have not had the gigantic problems with signal theft that other encryption schemes continue to suffer.

Lastly, to my knowledge I am not making any credible accusations of illegality against Mr. Arpaio and his staff. Mr. Arpaio has chosen to make himself an internationally-known public figure and thus is fair game to poke some fun at.

As seen on TV: a uniquely USA phenomenon - some surgeons refuse elective surgeries to attornies

IT SERVES THE BASTARDS RIGHT!

I bought back into the market

I won't say what stocks, what prices, mum's the word. I treated my newly-minted investment account like a trip to Vegas and put a similar spending limit on it.

I have to train myself not to watch it every day - which would be easy if one of the stocks wasn't in merger talks. But nonetheless, I'm in for the near-to-long term.

It's like the great depression all over again - the press says "buy 'em while they're so low!"

The crash has not been like Argentina 2002. One bank I use got bought out by a bigger one - but no major changes yet. I'm already moving assets away. The only fallout is that I used that bank to pay my monthly Sky Mexico bill. I'd let my balance drop below the $USD equivalent of the MX peso debt I have with Sky. It just happened - I wanted my balance at that bank to be pretty damn LOW.

(BACKGROUND: I use Sky as Spanish-on-demand lessons on my TV. Sky legally cannot sell into the USA but it's a don't ask-don't tell situation because they want the US revenue. However, if I use a random debit card to pay Sky and then do a transaction in Phoenix a few minutes/hours later - both get flagged as fraud. It takes a half hour on the phone - at minimum - to straighten it all out! So last night - as my Sky bill was due - I called another CREDIT card provider and said - look, you're going to get a charge for a card-not-present transaction for 1,000 MX pesos but you might also see card-present transactions here in Phoenix tonight. They asked me more than ten questions to verify I was who I said I was - smooth sailing. The Mexican payment via Visa went thru and so did three other local transactions made an hour later.)

I'm setting up with yet a 3rd bank and make sure they know that one card-not-present transaction in MX pesos per month is "kosher."

Marathon runner has Alanis Morrissette moment - fastest time but the didn't WIN

From the Consumerist Blog, this "ironic" story...
There's a bit of a backlash brewing against Nike after the woman with the fastest time in the Nike Women's Marathon wasn't declared "the winner" because she wasn't among the elite group of marathon runners who start separately from the rest of the pack.

Arien O'Connell, a fifth-grade teacher from New York City, had the best time in last Sunday's marathon, in fact, she beat the next best time by 11 minutes. So why isn't she the winner?

From SFGate:
In the statement, Nike officials said that "because of their earlier start time, the runners in the elite group had no knowledge of the outstanding race Arien was running and could not adjust their strategies accordingly."

Weary of the backlash growing against them, Nike declared Ms. O'Conell "a winner." Not "the winner." This appears to have made things worse.

It turns out that there was really no need for an elite group of runners, because no one was running an "elite" time.

Isn't it IRONIC? Don't you think?

From SFGate:
...the Nike marathon in San Francisco doesn't have anyone running a world-class time - which would be something around 2 hours and 20 minutes - for the 26.2-mile course. Only O'Connell broke 3 hours - and she'd never done it before.

"I think that's what it comes down to," O'Connell said. "There is not a real definition of what it means to be in an elite field."

That's where the Nike event got in trouble. If it had recognized that there was no need for an elite pack, and everyone had lined up and run, the fastest time would have been the winner. No argument.

In fact, that was the other part of Nike's announcement Wednesday.
"Learning from the unique experience in this year's race," it said. "Nike has decided today to eliminate the elite group from future Nike Women's Marathons. Next year, all runners will run in the same group, and all will be able to win."

Candidates ignoring coming Social Security crisis, critics say

Ummm....

The above is a CNN headline!

Since 1984 or before we've collectively known of a coming Social (in)Security crisis. Every presidential election we get this big publicity handjob about about Social Security, Healthcare, the national debt, blablabla. It's the same crap 24 years later - and 24 years from now I bet USD$100 (value as of 23 Oct 2008) none of it will have changed.

Mile High Club

Ok, I'm confused. It is nearly impossible to join the mile high club sitting in economy class unless you're on a rare near-empty middle-of-the-night flight --- and have a willing participant. Either that or you both better fit in the bathroom and finish quick! But I'm pretty sure that legs in the air from airplane seats are a no-no...

Indians visit the moon....

I can see it now.

They will get there. They will return unharmed. I definitely can imagine a red dot being pressed to launch it, and another to return it to earth. ;)

:)

Palin on Saturday Night Live - no surprise on the west coast

Because the Central and Eastern time zones get a differently timed feed (2 hours ahead of us) pretty much all of the Palin woman's appearance on SNL was leaked on the web. I watched anyway just to see it - it was the first time I'd been home near my HD set to really see the difference between Tina Fey and Caribou Barbie. DAMN CLOSE.

I watched the other bits on either YouTube or NBC.com - there is no substitute for the local over the air broadcast (uncompressed by cable or satellite) in 1080i.

I'll keep watching SNL until the end just in case anything got held back on the web.

It is STUPID that even though the New York City local television station signals are landing on my satellite dish, I can't pay for them to be displayed due to a stupid federal law.

Crossing from Mexico to the USA - a moving target

The rules keep changing. I was thinking about going to Rocky Point with my dog. Last I'd read, all one needed was current proof of rabies vaccination.

Nope. Now its added expense: one has to get a health certificate signed by a vet. My particular vet costs $65.00 for this. Looks like just boarding her during any trip makes more sense.

That's the bad news. I got an envelope in the mail yesterday from the Border Patrol. I'm wondering, what in the heck is this... then I recall that they told me at the CBP office where I registered that I'd get an updated card in the mail that's a passport-equivalent.

That's what it was.

Here's their "SAMPLE" (public) images of the old and new cards. What, are you kidding, I'm going to put a picture of one of my ID documents on the internet? I will say I don't have the stupid mustache like the dude on the left. The card on the right is like the one I got in the mail. It was an internet-based activation process. The card is a complicated little beast made of at least three parts fused together. The documentation that came along with it made it very clear that there is an RFID chip inside it. It came with a sleeve that was lined with gold foil and the instructions are quite clear that the card should be kept in your wallet in that sleeve to prevent it being read by 3rd parties without one's knowledge.



It means no need to carry the paper passport on road trips south.

Wal-Mart Canada offers super-extra-strength feminine products

Wal-Mart Canada's website is offering a unique new feminine hygiene product. I really don't think they are singling out Canadians - this product should be available in Chicago as well to make the public transport experience a little better.

The brazilians are here - Pare de Sufrir is in central Phoenix!

I could not believe the sight. I certainly don't believe their ideology.

Late at night all over South America this group buys (bought? I don't know, it was a couple of years ago) TV time to draw people in. Generally anything having to do with the christian religion is a turn-off, but this group was just so wacky with what they'd do to draw people to their "churches" I would sometimes be curious about what they were promising NEXT. Besides, it was a challenge to understand the thickly-Brazilian-accented Spanish they spoke. The best thing they had on offer was "blessed soap" to wash your sins away.

It was SO surprising to see their logo on a building downtown. A, um, modified version of their logo ;) is part of this posting. I like the modified version a little better since it more accurately represents what they do.

Saturday, October 11th - my voting day

My early voting ballot is here. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down and (most likely) vote a straight Democratic ticket - with the exception that no incumbent in the City of Scottsdale is going to get my vote. By Monday morning I will have mailed it.

Joe Arpaio again as Sheriff? You've got to be kidding. That guy shouldn't be running *anything* much less a law-enforcement agency. His ads on local cable (which thankfully I only see at the gym) show him receiving the Arizona Republic and then throwing it in the trash immediately - referring to it as the LIBERAL MEDIA?

WTF? The AZ Republic(an) is LIBERAL? He must be smoking something he seized to have that idea.

He may well get re-elected but it won't be because of me.

The economy is just... well, crap. I sold all my retirement funds and stock positions in 2003 when I moved to Uruguay and I have to say - right now I'm feeling pretty OK with that decision. A greedy American Express financial adviser had already lost 1/3 of the value so why not?

I may buy back into the market just before the election - I think that will be the all-time-low for a lot of stocks.

The negativity of the McSame campaign shocks me (but only a little). When you don't have anything to be FOR, or its so volatile how much the candidate is erratically changing his mind - he really doesn't have much option but to go negative. If TJ Maxx in Seattle (I doubt they have locations in Juneau, AK or Anchorage, AK) sold Prada - Palin would have bought it there. (On the other hand anyone who shopped TJ Maxx has had their credit card details stolen due to the abject stupidity of the management of that retail chain!)

Palin - OMFG what a self-righteous bitch. Her silly pentecostal religion is going to bite her in the ass (two words about Pentecostals in high places: 'John Ashcroft') - along with the outcome of the investigation into her interference as governor w/r/t/ the job of that state trooper who divorced a family member. If McCain was smart (not really possible due to the pre-embalming process he appears to have undergone, VERY visible on HDTV) he'd quietly dump Palin and get Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live as his running mate. Looks the same and would do far less harm.

At the root of it - neither candidate will do a damn thing. It's not in their personal or party best interests. Since 1988, again in 1992, again in 1996, again in 2000 and again in 2004 - we heard a bunch of crap from both sides about how healthcare and social security would be fixed. Not going to happen in my lifetime. Hell, I was at my doctor's office this morning and they had their usual posting up about whether lunch would be catered by one of the Big Pharmaceutical companies. Apparently today - YES, it would be. Seems to be the case everytime I'm there.

America 2008 is a very fucked up place. Will it get "fixed"? I don't know. The Roman Empire eventually collapsed and "fixed" a lot of its problems. It's the only "fix" I see in sight. Meanwhile out of fear I continue to pay taxes and look forward to retiring offshore.

Shaggy goes to the beach

I took Shaggy to the beach this afternoon. This beach is one of the few that allows dogs and between labor day and memorial day they can be off leash.

Just one little problem. Shaggy is in heat. Had I let her off leash it would have been a Discovery Channel moment (or several). Since I don't want my cute little dog knocked up - we had to cut the visit short. But I got a few pictures first.



This is the view from the beach:

Uverse - not ready for prime time

I'm experiencing the joy of AT 'n T's U-Verse service. I'm underwhelmed.

With only ONE television turned on and no multiple DVR recordings happening - i.e. one standard def video stream - the picture froze about once every half hour.

The 2WIRE brand box that's the center of the system is the size of (remember telephone directories?) one of the volumes of the Manhattan yellow pages. I haven't figured out the network topology - I think it's all IP over co-ax.

The neat thing about it is it's a distributed digital video recording system. If you record the show on the main box - it's available for playback on the other boxes in the house. However it's impossible to delete a recorded show from one of the other boxes, it has to be done from the "main" set.

It seems to do firmware upgrades (or something) at odd times. 4:30 pm this afternoon, right in the middle of prime football watching - the main 2WIRE box went offline for five minutes. It's hard to tell if this is just a bad install or what - but it seems that many other u-verse users have similar issues.

The pluses - channel change is pretty well instantaneous, no delay like on digital cable or satellite. The picture quality is crystal clear (even when it's frozen for that 1 second or so every half hour).

I hate to say it but if they can fix the freeze-ups and I lived in an area where u-Verse was available - I might end my longstanding boycott of the deathstar.

Tina Fey nails Palin again - hilarious!

HDTV is a bitch

Palin is tan from the top hairline down to the chin.

Pasty-white and freckles below.

Biden - Palin debate comments -----

First of all - Gwen Ifill hosting this is all good but... Much better to have Whoopi Goldberg. No disrespect to Gwen but Whoopi would have been better.

All well and good to talk about healthcare, job creation, etc...

Both are 100% full of shit.

None of it will ever happen.

Neighbors

Oh my. My downstairs neighbor gets more offensive by the day. I was on the phone with my mom talking about something really heavy - and he was good for some levity.

Out of the blue he starts screaming... "You little (ethnic slur) M-F'ers (except he says the whole word good and loud because he's half-deaf) on your skateboards make so much goddamn noise...."

The tirade was so loud I could hardly hear myself think. Mom could hear him crystal clear through the phone. She knew who it was too - I'd warned her to A-V-O-I-D him when she was visiting here.

Jokingly I said to my mom, "Of course I won't do this - he'd shoot me - but I really want to go dump water over the side of the balcony on him to shut him up. Besides, it'll give the kids something to laugh at."

But... must control such impulses. He *really* would shoot me, too!

Just once, as big around as my arm from my elbow to my wrist.

Ok, enough doom and gloom. This one had me laughing the whole (2 minute) drive home.

I go to the supermarket daily. I've said it over and over on here - it's a habit formed living in Uruguay. Besides, it's a great way of not seeing just how much money a month I'm spending on food when its spread over 28 transactions vs. 3 or 4 :)

My local supermarket just started carrying Yakult.

The name is off-putting to the American-english speaking ear. It evokes images of some strange religion practiced by Ren and Stimpy or worse yet, it sounds vaguely Russian. Then when you pick up the bottle it says "fermented milk product."

The latina cashiers are all surprised. "I didn't know we sold that! My mom made me drink one of these every day growing up in Mexico!"

The cashier tonight asked me - "What IS this stuff? I've never seen it."

I'm trying to be diplomatic. "It's like Dan-Activ (an active culture yogurt) but cheaper and more effective. It just appeared in the store here and I always bought it when I lived in South America. I drank one every morning and then it wasn't a problem if I slipped up and drank the well water."

Yes its a cop-out but it's quicker than having the "Where is Uruguay?" conversation.

Oh my god, the responses you get... "Huh. My husband is never regular. He always tells me, JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO PUSH ONE OUT AS BIG AROUND AS MY ARM FROM MY ELBOW TO MY WRIST all in one piece."

I started laughing and was like, "Don't take me there!"

I nodded over at the latina cashier a few lanes away and said, "Oh, it works. She knows what it is too, she was surprised to see it here and even more surprised to see a gringo buying it." (American girls don't know the proper word they really call us, which is gabacho."

I figured, I really don't want to know more about this unknown man's bowel movements.

So the woman asks me - "How long does it take to work?"

Hell, I don't know. But I answer anyway because I was hitting enter on the debit card machine and knew I'd escape shortly... "Three or four days." I'm trying to change the subject a little... "Don't let the description on the bottle put you off - where it says 'fermented milk product'. It tastes better than it sounds."

"Huh, how 'bout that. I'll have to have him try it. If I see him again I'll let you know."

"Well you have a great night - but I mean no disrespect - I'd rather not know OK? Take care..." and with that I'm the HELL out of there!